Verbal Vomit.

I so did not want to go to our grief counseling this week. We hadn't been to the past two meetings because four weeks ago I was sick with the flu and two weeks ago I received news just before we were getting ready to leave that our former Pastor's father was about to pass away and it hit me and threw me into a basket case-crying, I can't breathe and I sure can't drive and sit in a room full of grieving people and hold my composure overwhelming hot mess mode.

So this Wednesday, after missing a couple of sessions, I felt anti-social and was just not in the mood to sit in that room with the other adults. But the kids wanted to go. It means so much to them to be able to sit in a room full of other kids their age and hear them expressing the same feelings they have about losing their parent and being able to talk about their daddy. They had missed going and looked at me with those pitiful, pleading eyes as they asked me "Mommy, are we going to The Warm Place tonight?" I told them "Yes, we'll go but only because I love you so much."

I have a serious love/hate relationship with our grief counseling. I hate introducing myself every other week and telling everyone who I lost, when I lost him and how I lost him. It pisses me off when half the adults there were already separated or divorced or whatever and so they don't feel the loss as deep as I do or at least that's the way I feel. It makes my heart beat fast before I have to speak and I feel like I can't breathe and like I need to run out of the room screaming. I hate feeling like that.

I put off speaking until I absolutely have to when it's my time to share because I am such a mess. Then I open my mouth and verbally vomit all my feelings. I choke up and pause and everyone is staring at me, listening to the un-edited, non-eloquent words as they pour out of my mouth, revealing my weakness, my anger, my fear, my horror, my loss, my frustration, my annoyance, my bitterness, my desperation, my hopelessness, my angst, my rage, my anxiety and my loneliness.

I stop and I say I'm done and they look at me with understanding and nod their heads and wipe their eyes after crying with me. And I realize this is why I still need to go. As much as I hate it. As much as I detest sitting in that room and hearing everyone's pain and feeling their anguish as we go one by one around the room describing our loss or our feelings, I need to be there. In that room, I feel abnormal and normal at the same time. Awkward and accepted. Angry and forgiven. 

I love going there. I hate going there. I have to keep going there. 

The Aftermath, Part 2: The Move

Over the next few weeks as I prepared for Christmas, I came to a decision that we needed to move. Although we loved our church family and they loved us, it was too painful to stay there without Donnie. We still went to church weekly on Sunday mornings but it was extremely difficult, especially for Emmi. Our morning worship service always included our youth and children and when worship ended they would release the youth and kids to go to their classes. Emmi was used to standing in the congregation every service, worshiping with her daddy as her worship leader. He was always there on the keyboard, singing and worshiping. And now he was not.

We would enter just after worship started to avoid awkward moments with people before service. I would stand and try to worship, but Emmi couldn't bear to look at the platform. She would turn to me and bury her head into my body, place her arms around me and weep, which in turn would cause me to weep. Then Kellan would join us as well sometimes silently crying, sometimes just looking sad. So I would sit and hold them through the worship service. It was strange, sad and weird. 

The kids didn't want to move away, especially Kellan. He didn't want to leave his friends at school or church. And our Pastor's family was like family to us. It was difficult for all of us to imagine not being near them. But I couldn't stay in that house, it felt so empty without Donnie. And because we lived 45 minutes from our Pastors, we only saw them on the weekends briefly at church and sometimes for lunch afterwards (after Donnie's death I could only bring myself to attend one service a week instead of our normal 3 services). All week long I would face an empty house while the kids were at school and when they were home, it was still strange because we as a family were always together with Donnie. We went everywhere together, did everything together and were never without one another, ever. So even though my Pastors were like family, I still felt alone because our lives were in different cities, nearly an hour apart except for a brief time once a week.

I decided to move to DFW, TX. I had family there. I had friends from old workplaces there. I had church support there. I knew the area having lived there before and it just felt like the place we needed to be. So after Christmas when I began packing up the Christmas deco, I also began packing up our home. I purged A LOT of things. I threw away tons. I gave away tons. I put tons aside for a massive yard sale. I packed nearly my entire household by myself over the course of the next 3 weeks. It kept me busy which helped a lot since any moment of stillness was torture for me. By the end of January, and with a lot of help from our church members, music team and from our Pastors and their extended family, we got it done. I had everything packed by the last Thursday of the month, had a major yard sale on Friday, loaded up a truck on Saturday and moved on Sunday. 

When the house was empty after loading the truck on Saturday, I walked through one more time by myself to make sure nothing had been overlooked and to say goodbye to the home we had lived in for nearly 5 years. That was the moment I began to lose the control and resolve I had been living on the last few weeks. I crumbled. Life here was over. We were leaving for good. And it felt like I was saying goodbye to Donnie all over again.

When I had to say goodbye to my Pastors, my heart broke some more. I grieved over saying goodbye to them, to losing them as my Pastors, to leaving them as my friends, as my family. They were so good to us. They never complained about Donnie's illnesses over the years we were with them. They never shunned us or made us feel guilty when he was incapable of making a service due to being sick for one reason or another. They never held his health against him or made him feel like less of a person because of the inconveniences his health caused. They always prayed for us and over us and encouraged us and lifted us up. And they treated us like royalty. They were Jesus in flesh to us. Uncondemning, loving, unconditional, kind, generous, protective, sacrificing. (Thank you Nathan and Cyndee Fleetwood.)

It was difficult to leave and to say goodbye not just to the friends and members at Victory Life Church where we had served for 5 years, but also to the life I had known with Donnie for 13 years. To leave our ministry behind, relationships behind, history behind. My sis-n-law Amy (my brother Gerald's widow) and her then fiance/now husband Darryl drove up and helped me by driving the truck, towing my car and letting me ride worry free from Silsbee to DFW. I was exhausted and full of mixed emotions, relieved and yet heartbroken. I left part of myself there. I lost part of myself there. I gave part of myself there. I suppose in a way I can never fully say goodbye.

Tomorrow's Blog: What NOT to Do If You Work For a Funeral Home - An amusing detail of some rather inappropriate situations I encountered when dealing with the Funeral Home for Donnie's Memorial Service.

Like Clockwork.

Fall is here! And it arrived right on time this year which is absurdly abnormal. So I'm making a list of my seasonal to do's to start on this weekend since it caught me a little off guard by coming on time! If you're interested in some money savers or new ideas for this time of year, read my to do list below:

1. Go through the kids fall/winter clothing to see if anything still fits and then off to the consignment shop to refurbish their wardrobe.
~ This is something I've been doing for years! If you are looking for a way to save money on your children's ever changing wardrobe, check out your local consignment stores or second hand kids clothing places like Once Upon A Child. Most of these stores will take your gently used, non-stained, outgrown or out of season clothing and give you a store credit towards any clothing or other items in their store, or if you prefer they will give you cash. They'll even take gently used toys or strollers that your child has outgrown. It's a Win-Win!

2. Fall 'Spring' Cleaning.
~ Okay, my husband would tell you that cleaning is a weak point for me. There's just something about it that sets my ADD on hypermode and I can't seem to gather my senses to do it all at once. But just like with Spring cleaning, in the Fall it's nice to have everything perfectly presentable for the upcoming holidays, so things like baseboards, corners, ceilings, curtains and so on could use a little extra attention to perk up the house. Now if I could just get it all done quickly. Here's where I need the maid to come in and help me out! (I wish!)

3. Spice things up in the house.

~ Yes, it's time to find my fall colored/scented candles, change the flowers, pull out the Autumn wreath and scarecrows. A few years ago I even started making my own potpouri! I took the orange peels from children's fruit snacks, some cinnamon sticks left over from Christmas the year before, a couple of cloves, tap water, a large sauce pot and Voila! ... Instant homemade potpourri boiling on the back burner of my stove while I finish up the laundry. I also like to start some baking when it starts cooling off outside, like my infamous Amish cookies so I can enjoy them with a cup of hot tea or cocoa. Ahhhh, delightful!

Well, that's the short list anyway! If only it was as pretty here as in NC where I grew up or AR where I was blessed to live a few years ago. I miss all the rich reds, oranges and golds of the trees. Hope you all enjoy the arriving fall as much as I am!

Retro-Blogging

I love to purge. It feels so good to get rid of things I don't use anymore. I use the rule of 'If it hasn't been worn or used in 6 months to 1 year, it's time to get rid of it'. The victims of my purging become designated to piles labeled in my mind as "Trash", "Goodwill", "Ebay" and yes, I admit it, "ReGifting"!

My closet has been savagely edited and now I've moved on to reading through my old rants and blogs and having some good laughs at my own expense. I am closing down my old blog on myspace and recycling a few of the posts that made me snort out loud, sniffle or remind me of a lesson I need to relearn. I'm knee deep reading and weeding through the past to determine what to keep and what to throw.

So to my invisible audience who I think I am talking to when most likely I am just entertaining and amusing myself: Please endure the retro-blogging over the next few days or weeks or however long it takes me to complete this purging process. Be sure to read the 'Hotdogs & Popsicle Sticks' post... oh, so, funny.