Shades of Laughter

During the first few months of marriage my husband, who happens to be a great home chef, created pasta for dinner one evening with a delectable red sauce. He was walking to sit in our living room when his plate of spaghetti slipped from his grasp, tumbled and splashed all over our newly purchased sofa and the carpet of our apartment. He was so upset and horrified over the mess he had made. I was doing my unsuccessful best to maintain a serious and concerned look until I broke into hilarious laughter, which did not amuse him.

I can't help it. Something hits me funny and I just can't contain it. I don’t even know its going to happen sometimes, and a louder than I realize laugh will bust out of my mouth. I snort too. Sometimes it’s a giggle, sometimes it’s an uncontrollable hardy laugh and sometimes it’s a staccato HA! My laughter is rather unlady-like. It’s inappropriate, loud, uncalled for and sometimes comes off as completely rude although I don’t at all mean it that way. But it happens and I just can’t help it. It’s always been like that. I never knew how my laughter stood out until a friend of mine told me if I ever write an autobiography I should name it “Shades of Laughter” because of the many types of laughter that rumble out of me. I thought that was funny and actually laughed it off, but I never forgot his suggestion.

A year ago, someone asked what happened to the happy young woman I used to be. It’s true, over the last few years I haven’t laughed nearly as much as I used to. I could have stood there and responded with every reason why I haven’t been as happy go lucky as I used to be. I could have explained every detail of every trial and challenge I’ve been through during the past 8 years. I could have listed each instance of pain, hurt, fear and obstacles I overcame and how and why I am different now than I was then. But I chose to remain silent in the face of this query. I didn’t want to choose words that I would regret.

I believe I made the right choice in that moment and I’m actually thankful now for having that question asked of me because it’s made me realize something. There may have been reasons for my laughter to falter, but I am the one who allowed other peoples actions and opinions to affect my joy. I gave permission to fear to enter my mind in the place of my peace. I adjusted my attitude to reflect my circumstance rather than my hope. I came to care a little too much about what others would think if they knew who I really was. And I laughed a little quieter and a quite a bit less often.

But now my stance has changed and I’m digging my heels into the ground. I’m bracing myself for the next challenge and I say to it, I dare you… I dare you to try and steal my smile, my peace of mind or my joy. I am armed with my disarming smile and I am gearing up to get the giggles. I will wake up laughing at my alarm clock instead of beating it half to death and I will not apologize for my twisted humor or ill timed laughter. I’ve determined I will be who God created me to be. I will laugh naturally and fully as He obviously intended. And so I will be who I am; lovely loud laughter, snorts and all.