"I am a work in progress" is one of my common statements about myself. I see more than anyone else (except maybe my husband... and God) the many flaws that I carry. My imperfections, my challenges, my inconsistencies... ugh. Sometimes it's just downright depressing to think of all that needs to be changed, tweaked & adjusted in my life! And so sometimes (okay, a lot of times) I run the other way and pretend those issues aren't even there. But of course, they are.
Besides, this time of year always places me in a pensive state of mind. Between reminiscing about my mom and thinking of my own role as a mother and how I'm doing at that job, I've got a ton of things swirling through my head. I think about the kind of mother, the kind of woman I'd like to be and how I've never really set goals to become that woman, because I've always felt extremely inadequate.
I think about the passage in Proverbs 31 and the Biblical definition of a woman, wife and mother that it gives. Honestly, I have avoided that passage of scripture as much as possible over the years, reading it only on rare occasion and then banishing it from my reading list for sometimes years at a time.
Proverbs 31:10-30 (The Message)
A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long. She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing. She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day. She looks over a field and buys it, then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden. First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started. She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day. She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need, reaches out to help the poor. She doesn't worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear. She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks. Her husband is greatly respected hen he deliberates with the city fathers. She designs gowns and sells them, brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops. Her clothes are well-made and elegant, and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly. She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive. Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise: "Many women have done wonderful things, but you've outclassed them all!" Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
When I think of that specific passage of scripture, it always makes me think of an old friend. I remember how she posted these scriptures in her room and talked to me about her desperation to be 'that woman' described in those words. She and I are not as close as we once were, but from my view on the outside looking in, she seems to have succeeded at many of those qualities. I can tell that she has committed herself to her dream of becoming that woman. It's glaringly obvious and simply evident from the details of her life that she measures herself against those words. And in my opinion, she has done very well at meeting those goals.
Me? Not so much. But now that I'm all grown up and admittedly rather behind the ball on this one... I think I've got to do something about this. I'm not satisfied with who I am: as a mother, as a wife, as a friend, as a sister or even as a daughter. There are days I am a huge stubborn fear-filled piece of work. There is so much more I can be, so much more I can become. Now, I'm not saying I'm going to start sewing and making my own clothes or getting up before dawn (God forbid!)... but I think you get the idea.
I'm sharing this today so I can come back here and remind myself of this goal. So I can stop playing hide and seek with who I want to be and actually find that woman through hard work and discipline and extreme efforts. I have a long road ahead of me, but I'm positive I can get to where I want to be. I know I can.
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