May 14, 2006
Today my little boy Kellan made a card for me in Jr. Children's Church. It is red and shaped like a teapot and inside it has a little pocket with a poem printed on it that is holding a little tea bag. It's obvious that his teacher made it with the exception of one little crayon scribble from Kellan. When he gave it to me, he was so excited. He said, "Here Mommy! I have a paper for you! I made it for you mommy!" I looked at it and started crying. I have never been so proud. All he did was make a little scribble with a green crayon. Maybe he pressed the glue on the little pocket with the printed poem so it would stick to the card. And maybe he placed the mint tea bag in the pocket, but his little hands made it, just for me.
For 2 weeks now, I have really been missing my mom. I guess it's been building up for Mother's Day, and just about everything has been making me cry, remembering her. But what makes it even more special, is looking at her through new eyes as a mom of 2 little children. How many times did I make little cards for her that made her day? How many times did she stare at me for hours on end thinking how beautiful I was and how much she loved me? How many times did she want to squeeze me until I couldn't breathe because she couldn't get me close enough to her?
I remember going through her things after she passed and finding some of the cards I had made for her. I remember her staring at me, taking in my every word and movement that I made. I remember her always reaching out to embrace me at every chance that she had; and now I find myself doing the same to my own children. My love for them consumes me. I can't get enough of them, I can't love them enough, kiss them enough or hold them enough. I can't quit staring at them and I can't quit thinking about them.
It's overwhelming to think that my mother felt the same way about me. I'm so thankful that God allowed me to become a mother, because now I know how much I was loved, even when I didn't realize it.
Present Day
(May 10, 2009)
My mom has been gone for more than 6 years now. I still find myself wishing I could call her for recipes when I crave her split pea soup or her beef stew. There are moments when I'm exasperated or worried or amused by my children and I would love to ask her if I was like 'that' or how she handled 'this'. And there are nights that I dream about her so vividly that it's as if she is still with me. And although within the dream I know it's not reality, I still pursue the mirage and talk with her, laugh with her or cry with her because for those brief moments I can smell her favorite perfume, hear the timbre of her voice and touch her soft skin again.
I still grieve that my children are unable to spend time with her as they grow up. She would get such a kick out of my fireball Emmi and she would be so in awe of Kellan's gentle spirit. She would have taken them for weekends and adventures and she would have been their biggest fan. They would have gained so much from her love and wisdom and the strength that emanated from her.
Simply, I miss her. And I'm remembering her today with soft smiles, a few tears and an extremely grateful heart that I was blessed with such an amazing woman as my mother was. Thank you mom, for everything and I cannot wait to run into your arms again some day, exactly the way my babies run into my own today. Happy Mother's Day!
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