The Aftermath, Part 6: Moving Forward

As time stretched forward over the last 10 months I found myself in moments of standstill when I could not fathom even imagining a future without Donnie in it. Being his wife, his ministry partner, his co-worship leader, his companion and his caretaker consumed every moment I had. The future I envisioned was one we had planned together. We were going to conquer kidney failure and overcome illness. We were going to write more songs and record music together. We were going to move into our own home and raise our children there, in one place and finally be settled. But when he died, all of those dreams died with him. 

I can't say it never crossed my mind. When Donnie faced severe illness time after time, there were a lot of 'what if's' circling through my thoughts. When my sister-in-law Amy lost my brother Gerald, I thought "That should've been me" because we had come face-to-face with death more than once already. I wondered where would I go, what would I do? How would I take care of my children? And then I would shrug off the questions, shake off the concerns, face life in that moment and do the best I could for that day. But when he died, the questions flooded back again.

I always had Donnie to turn to when I was undecided or confused about what direction to take. He was my sounding board and my advice giver. He encouraged me and made me see things in ways I never did before. He taught me how to dream and imagine because I always second guessed and limited myself. He made me feel valuable, smart and talented. But when he died, I felt small, abandoned, afraid and incapable of planning a future without him.

Over the weeks as I began to grow accustomed to the unexpected ebb and flow of my grief and anxiety, I found I could open a window now and then and catch a glimpse of myself and the kids actually living life again. Sometimes I would slam that mental window shut because Donnie wasn't in the picture. But in other moments I would lean out just a little and stick my head out of the window ever so slightly to feel the warm breeze, breathe in the air and realize I wasn't suffocating anymore. 

Now that I've realized my life is not over, I've slowly started answering the questions that never had opportunity to land. The dreams that had unraveled are beginning to take new form. And the future, although I still don't know what it entails, does not look nearly as bleak and dismal as it did. It's hard to learn to walk again on my own, without Donnie. But I am. My feet are taking small, hesitant but sure steps. 

I've started attending music rehearsals again. I'm not quite ready to sing on the platform, but I'm slowly getting there. It may not feel the same, but my worship is raw and true and constant, and I know that pleases my Abba. 

I've started writing again. Donnie always wanted me to write stories, books and songs and I was always scared to because when I write, I write real and vulnerable truths. It's not without tears and I'm showing all my ugly open wounds and scars, but it feels right and it gives me hope. 

And in just a few days, I'll start working again. It's been five years since I worked full time. I'm nervous. I feel like a kid preparing for the first day of school; not knowing who I'll eat lunch with or if I'll make friends. But I'm confident it's what I need to do because God answered my prayer so exactly in this position. 

One of the songs Donnie and I used to lead was Israel Houghton and Ricardo Sanchez's 'Moving Forward'. It's lyrics have been echoing in my head the last few days. 

'You're the healer who makes all things new.' 

'You have given me a second chance.' 

'You make all things new and I will follow you forward.' 

I'm so thankful I have a Healer who makes all things new and Who has given me a second chance. I'm glad to be moving forward. And I'm relieved that I don't serve a pushy God. He is gentle and He is kind and He is patient with my slow, small, faltering steps. 

Monday's blog: What To Say To a Grieving Person - And what not to say...

Addendum: Just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who's been following my blog the last two weeks. Now that I'm starting back to work, I expect my posts will decrease some, but I will continue to try to keep the blog going a little more consistently than I have in the past. Thanks for all your encouragement about my writing, it means a lot.