Missing Mom.

I still have dreams about her. 

Just this week when I woke one morning for a moment it was so real that I really believed she was still with me. I almost called her. It's crazy how dreams mess with reality sometimes. 

I miss her. I miss her grace, I miss her voice. I just miss... her. 

I find myself thinking back over ordinary moments with her that have become extroadinary memories. Simplicities like going shopping with her, holding her hand from as far back as I can remember to even as an adult when we walked through the malls together, driving through the country to look at houses and trees just so we could eat a chocolate covered Dairy Queen ice cream cone and talk about nothing and everything. Hugging her every night and telling her I loved her.

Telling her she was going to be a grandmother.

I just... miss her. And my babies are totally missing out on her. 

...Happy Mother's Day Mom! I love you!! 

It Happened On a Saturday Morning.

Someone recently reminded me of something pretty amazing. Something unforgettable. Something breath-taking. Something that I can't believe I'd forgotten about, momentarily. And something that really needs to be recorded here for eternity.

I am speaking of my daughter's morning hair! I don't know quite how she does it. How do these miraculous monstrosities happen during her slumber?

Nearly every Saturday when she stumbles out of bed, her hair is so artfully arranged and I find myself dumbfounded. And sometimes, I just have to capture it on camera. 

I think I may have leverage for future blackmailing! What do you think?

Making It Count.

I've been seeking. Searching. Looking. Questioning. Waiting. And listening. And I have to tell you, I'm hesitantly excited. 

The job market around here has been absolutely a bust for me. Application after application has been ignored by my local employers. My resume has been overlooked in favor of the less experienced, lesser paid, younger candidates.

And after toying with the idea of going back to school, I started looking online the last few days and was overwhelmed with all the choices out there. This school or that school? This degree or that degree? This minor or that minor? Ahhhhhhh! I've always had a hard time making those kind of decisions on my own.

That's why it's a good thing to listen after God's heart and to the desires He's placed in mine for many, many years. And guess what. I heard him. I found FREE online writing classes that I can take from varying reputable universities and professionals. I know, it may not be a degree that I bought and paid for, but education is education and free and available is what I need right now especially since... my time IS free and I AM available and extra income... is NOT.

So I'm going to be creating my own 'school' hours and honing my God-given skills. We'll see where it takes me. All I know is that when God says to trust Him and God says to move forward, I just can't ignore Him because that would make for one very miserable me.

I'm including this youtube video below that a friend of mine posted on facebook today. Of course they WOULD make the still frame the one scene with 2 scantily clad girls, but seriously, I love the inspiring and motivating quotes in it. And I wonder, what do you need to do today to 'Make it count'? To utilize one of the quotes in this video: "Above all, try something!" ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

Ages

Ages have passed since my last words here. 

Milestones? 

There are a few.  It's been one year since Donnie started dialysis and in some ways he's better, and in others, he's just not. Kellan has started taking meds for ADD. Emmi is outgrowing her clothes almost as quickly as I buy them. And I cannot find a job to fit around my varying schedules of the kids' school hours, Donnie's dialysis hours and our church hours. It seems my inflexibility is quite understandably not very attractive to any potential employer in this region.

Plans? 

I'm thinking of going back to school and finishing out my degree. I'd probably have to go online to work around our schedule and obligations and I'm not quite sure what I would major in... maybe journalism? I'm also toying with the idea of seriously blogging to the point that perhaps it could generate an income, or attempting to freelance write, but so far I've felt a little too inferior and unknowledgeable to take any of these ideas on. But it's time to stomp out fear and move forward, somehow, some way.

Issues? 

Still dealing with Emmi's eczema and although we've found some things that really work well for her, the last few months I've been trying to step back and give her a little more responsibility in learning how to take care of herself since she will likely have to deal with this for possibly her lifetime. The result has not been so great, her skin is bordering out of control and my attempts to reassert taking care of her body in the proper way have been quite laughable. Just picture me pinning her down to put meds and lotions on her or me chasing her down the hall with vaseline all over my hands instead of on her dry, ashy, patchy, inflamed skin. Sigh... We saw her doctor this week and they added another 3 medications to the 3 she's already taking (not including her lotions) and I just don't know how I feel about that. I detest loading my child on meds that she may not really need when there is something natural that can work for her. But when her skin becomes this bad, I feel desperate enough to give in to meds for a temporary fix. Even though it is only temporary.

Kellan has been doing great on his ADD meds as far as school goes but it puts him in an ill temper (ai yai yai!) and he doesn't eat enough and sometimes has problems falling asleep. Which of course they want to give him a med to make him eat more and a med to help him fall asleep.  I don't know if I will use them though. I'm one who doesn't really believe in using meds unless they're absolutely necessary.

Don't get me wrong, I am not against modern medicine. But have you ever listened to those drug commercials on TV? They make a solution to-whatever-your-ailment-is sound so amazingly wonderful and then list all the side effects in a rushed/hushed voice. Side effects scare me, my friends. I believe my poor sweet mommy was a victim of said side effects. One medicine caused cholesterol build up. Cholesterol build up caused heart attacks. Meds for heart issues caused diabetes. More meds caused pulmonary fibrosis. Pulmonary fibrosis caused death. So me no likey meds if there is another healthier alternative available.

And my poor sweet hubby. I can't even tell you how many meds he's on these days. So many, for so, so many reasons... it's not just the kidney failure he deals with or the diabetes, or the hypothyroidism. There's restless legs and high blood pressure and sinus and tummy and-and-and-and-and... should I keep going? Let's leave a little mystery, shall we?

So there we are and here I go. Time to wake up my sleeping husband so I can put him to bed. :/  Goodnight my non-readers, figments of my imagination! Tomorrow another dialysis day awaits and my mind is already gearing up for it: What shall I read tomorrow? What deals will Kroger have on their meat? Will Walgreens have the kids meds ready? Will Donnie's clinic ever call in his thyroid medicine refill? Can I pass the kitchen table without staring at the Easter candy? Stay tuned for the intriguing answers!

Christmas Treasures

Christmas time is here! Our favorite time of year! I just finished reading Emmi 'The Night Before Christmas'. Last night it was Donnie's turn to read it. And every day, I mean EVERY DAY, she tells us how many days there are left until Christmas! So the countdown is definitely on and both the kids are extremely excited about Christmas this year, but I have to admit Donnie and I are too!

Living Room Tree

After Donnie being ill through the holidays last year and being so full of worry, anxiety and fear during a time we would normally be celebrating with friends or family, this year we have definitely been looking forward to Christmas with so much excitement. Last year on Christmas day we were at the ER with the kids sitting on the floor of the hospital playing with one of their new toys and no Christmas dinner to enjoy. This year, with dialysis helping maintain Donnie's health, we can't wait for Christmas day. Did I mention we're excited about Christmas this year? Because WE ARE!! :)

Emmi's Tree

AND we are so very thankful to be able to have another holiday together. Going through illness or seeing someone you love battling illness along with anxiety and fear makes you not want to take one moment for granted. Every day is full of treasured moments and we love to enjoy the simple moments of living life together. Hugs, kisses and holding hands with my babies and my sweet husband still daily bring tears to my eyes. We are truly a blessed family! 

Kellan's Tree

School's In!

Today ends week 1 of back to school for my kiddos. Kellan has entered 3rd grade and Emelia is in 1st. Here is a snapshot of their first week of school.

The first day of school when I picked Kellan up I was there 15 minutes early and had to wait about 30 minutes altogether before he was in the car. He was red, hot and grumpy. I was asking him questions about his first day and all I got were angry one word answers! I started laughing and asked him why he was so grumpy with me? It was because he had to sit out in the heat for SO LONG and thought I was late in picking him up. Then I showed him the line of cars STILL waiting to get their kids from school as we drove down the road and he chuckled and said ummmm Sorry!

Kellan really likes his teacher and thinks she is funny. He's very glad some of his friends are in his class and he's already making new friends too. He still is a little shy at recess and kind of sticks to being on his own there. He wants me to make him a lunch kit sometimes instead of going through the cafeteria line and he loved that he didn't have any homework the first week. I kind of liked that too!

When Emmi got in the car the first day after school, she immediately told me how pretty her teacher was, detailing the black and white blouse she had on, her black high heels and the way her hair was held back in a partial pony tail and then flowed down her back with the rest of her hair and its really, REALLY long. She talked NON-STOP from the moment she got in the car until we were tucking her in bed and I am not exaggerating. Apparently, returning back to school agrees with her.

Except for the mornings that is. Hello Meltdown City. Screams, tears, cries, snot and stomping were heard throughout the house on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday due to her OCD sensory issues. Her shoes don't feel right and her jeans are too tight. I was TRYING to wait until it got cooler to buy her more jeans and THOUGHT her last 3 pairs would make it until then (she just tried them on 2 weeks ago and they still fit then!). But it looks like we have to go shopping which my account will not like but SHE will LOVE. 

 

OH! And she informed me last night that a young man in her class by the name of "Wade" put his arm around her at the car ramp on Wednesday afternoon. WHAT??? She giggled and said she told him to stop twice before he moved his arm. I looked at Donnie and said ummm, aren't 1st graders too young to be making moves? And then I had a flashback of myself in kindergarten chasing the boys in the playground trying to make them kiss me. And I guess, well, maybe it's not.

 And last but not least, THIS is the kids first day of school pic. I forgot to take one that morning so I made them pose by the door when they got in from school, trying to make them smile and be happy for the camera. Perfect! I think I'm in love.

Life As We Know It

Just before Thanksgiving last year, my family of 4 was out celebrating my daughter's 6th birthday with dinner, bowling and cupcakes at a local bakery. My husband commented to me several times that evening that he wasn't feeling good. We didn't realize at the time, but he was beginning to have symptoms that were leading him into septic shock from an infection we had no idea was anything serious until it was too late.

A little over a week later he was in the hospital facing kidney failure. It just seemed to come out of nowhere, because his regular bloodwork with his PCP showed no signs of kidney issues whatsoever. Over the next several months we made many trips to varying doctors, weekly ER visits which turned into hospital stays, and then follow ups with specialists all of which included a lot of life-changing, sobering news.

Kidney failure. You don't know how devastating those words were to me. You see, Polycystic Kidney Disease is a prevalent destroyer of my family's kidneys. My mom, my aunt and my oldest brother have had kidney transplants due to PKD. My uncle, my younger brother and 2 of my cousins have passed away from the disease and its complications. So to find out that my husband was in renal failure when he has never had kidney problems before completely rocked my world.

Along with the kidney failure, the sepsis also caused his vision to basically be permanently damaged with virtually no hope of correction by glasses or other methods. The doctor actually told him he could use binoculars to help with watching TV, but then if he does that too much he would damage his peripheral vision which he still has. He has to magnify most everything to be able to read and he has to sit right in front of the TV to see, which is where we tell our kids NOT to sit or they'll go blind. What an ironic turnabout!

In some ways the vision loss has been just as devastating to him as the kidney failure. Without his normal vision, he can't see well enough to read music charts to learn or teach new music to our Praise Team. I have to help read menus to him when we go out to eat. I have to read and respond to his text messages for him, fix his insulin and other medications, etc. The kids or I sometimes have to guide him when we're walking outside because he can't see what is in his path. It has been a major blow to his ego & pride to become somewhat helpless in these areas and especially frustrating that he can't improve his vision quality.

So life as we know it has definitely changed. It has been a roller coaster of emotions with some ups and a lot of downs. After about a month of receiving dialysis which began mid-March, we finally started falling into a routine. We have the system down now. I keep a 'dialysis bag' on standby and just update it's contents the night before treatment according to the next day's plan.

The 'dialysis bag' is a beach bag I use to hold a myriad of comfort items, some for him, some for me and some for the kiddos. The staples are these: a blanket for him because it gets chilly while he dialyzes, ear-buds for his personal TV, meds for his snack, a hoodie for me to cuddle under while I sit in the waiting room, my kindle (thanks for hooking a girl up Marky Mark!), a magazine I keep meaning to read but can't tear myself away from my kindle long enough to read it, the family calendar, a notebook, water/juice boxes/snacks, the kids DSi's and so on.

Sitting and waiting during his treatments has been surprisingly enjoyable. It pauses the constant motion in my week for 4 hours. It allows me to escape in a book or a game, organize my to do list, take cat naps and the most fun and unexpected treat is getting familiar with the variety of interesting people that come and go from their treatments. From the names (Zeke, Ezra, Solomon) to the personalities that you would think would come straight out of one of Tyler Perry's sitcoms or movies, there has been no shortage of entertainment. The kids and I also will sometimes run errands, go to the bookstore, see a movie, or play at Chick-Fil-A's indoor playground during his treatments to give them a bit of a break because of course they get a little more stir crazy than I do, although I have been known to be a little crazy myself.

The kids have handled this amazingly well. It makes me sad sometimes when I think of how much time they have had to wait in Doctor offices. It's not fair that its normal for them to play their DSi's in their pajamas sitting on the floor in the ER room at 3:00 in the morning while their daddy evacuates the contents of his stomach through his mouth for the 2,429th time. (Sorry if you're squeamish, I tried to say it in a nice way!) And I always have to take a moment to swallow back my emotions before answering their gut-wrenching questions like Emmi's "Will my husband get sick like daddy?" or Kellan's "Is daddy going to die?".

I realize some of this sounds so dismal and depressing and honestly at times, it has been. But although in moments we have been discouraged or even distraught, we have continued to encourage one another because we believe we serve a Savior who heals and restores. Whether that will be through Doctors' hands and a kidney transplant or a miraculous turnaround doesn't matter.

We believe all we have been through from the Necrotizing Fasciitis in 2004 to the current kidney failure and other complications has been allowed for a divine purpose. Whether its to reach someone through this blog, through relationships we have established with people at the dialysis center, or for reasons yet unknown, we are thankful that God has chosen us because it means He trusts us. As fallible and human as we are, we are careful to be thankful. God has promised us so much in this life and we know we have only begun and that our latter WILL be greater!

Okay the preacher is stepping down because it's time to go fix dinner. Okay, it's really past time, but I can't help myself when I start writing; it just overtakes me! I just know how overwhelmed I was when we first started going through this process of dealing with dialysis and facing limitations. I did everything I could to scrounge up as much information possible to help my family, to adjust to my role as a caretaker and so on and maybe, just maybe this will help someone a wee little bit in some tiny small way, as well as update those we do know on how things have developed in our small world.

And as a disclaimer of sorts to anyone who may know us, I don't mean to say that my husband is now helpless. He is still as strong willed and independent as ever in many ways, however physically life has changed and it is what it is and I am just being honest about that. Voila. He has some really good days and sometimes he has some really bad days and we are living life to its fullest for whatever each day holds!