Life, After Death.

This Wednesday will be 6 months without him. 

There are days occasionally that pop up out of nowhere, like a new plant sprouting up over night, when I think, "Finally. Finally, I'm moving forward." And "Maybe, just maybe I can sing again." Or "Wow, I feel really good today." 

And then days like yesterday happen. I wake consumed by the overwhelming feeling that something is wrong. I've forgotten something. I've missed something. What is it? What did I forget? Why do I feel like this? What's wrong with me? Then I close my eyes to focus and mentally let them travel across to the vast, empty expanse of the right side of my bed and think "He's still gone". And I know it's not over. 

Then all I can hear is my heart beating. Can you hear it? It's so loud in this quiet he left me stranded in. What if my heart stops beating? Or what if it starts beating too fast? What will the kids do if they find me and have to call for help? What will the rest of their lives be like? What will they do without me? Will they be okay? Are they okay with me? Am I doing good enough for them? What's wrong with me? I don't want them to see me like this. Why can't I come out of this? Why can't I overcome this morbid way of thinking? 

Honestly, I don't know how some people do it. Widows and Widowers who have lost their love, how do you return to work and routines and normal daily life? I am so overwhelmed, so lost some days that I can barely function. Some days it's all I can do to get the kids up and off to school and back home again. I drift around my apartment and see things I need to do and can't bring myself to do them. Some days, I can't even wash my hair. Some days all I want to do is sleep. Or cry. Or eat. Or moan. Or all of those combined. 

Some days I don't want to leave my apartment. I don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone or do anything. I just want to hide. And some days I can't stand to be inside anymore. I have to get out or I'm going to go insane. And then when I get out I feel like I'm going to go insane. I want to run screaming out of my front door, grab whoever I see and shake them until they realize the world has ended. 

His absence in my life has become the proverbial elephant in the room. It follows me wherever I go, in everything I do. It's there when I'm cleaning the apartment because he so loved to have a clean house, and when I'm cooking in the kitchen I think, "Would he like this meal?" It trails behind me when I check on the kids at night after they've fallen asleep. It nuzzles my hand when I'm cuddling with them during a movie and I think, Donnie would have loved this. 

It looms over my shoulder as I stand in church unable to sing along during worship because I'm about to fall apart over the fact that he's not there singing a song I've heard him sing a million times before on the platform, or in the car on the way to church, or in the shower. It treads along with me in the grocery store and taunts me by leering at ingredients he used in recipes I can't replicate. And when I become immobilized in my living room on Lola, my sexy, red couch that he would have loved and never got to see, it plops itself down to rest, gazing up at me with its big, sad eyes while I stare blindly at the pictures on his piano. 

The truth is, I know I have a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). It's not all dark and dreary every day, all day. It's not all doom and despair around the clock. But some days are. And sometimes it's more often than not. I have to realize I cannot just snap out of this. I can't make it all better. I can't make it go away. I can't ignore it. I have to feel these feelings. I have to face my fears. I have to ask my questions. And I have to miss my husband. 

But when those rare days arrive so surprisingly like a seed bursting forth from the dark, damp dirt, I breathe in so deeply and exhale so blissfully and feel such sweet joy and tentatively smile a real smile. There's life in me yet. And it will grow stronger, over time.

Questions & Resiliency

So without my husband here, everything changes. Seriously, everything. Support is given, support is lost. Decisions have to be made. Questions have to be answered. Explanations need to be given. It's overwhelming and I'm not sure where to start.

What I do know is what I'd like to plan out over the next few months looks like it will have to be fast forwarded into the next few weeks. Major decisions, major changes and major transitions are being heaped on top of our major loss. 

I worry about my children. I've been told countless times by numerous people over the last few weeks that 'children are resilient' and I shouldn't worry too much about them. I know they mean well when they say that, but honestly, I find it a little difficult to so easily label them.

These resilient children of mine are my only inheritance from my husband. They will be his (and my) lasting legacy of who we are, what we believe and what we have together invested (and what I will continue to invest) into their lives, bodies, minds and spirits. Maybe children are somewhat resilient and go with the flow, but these are MY babies.

And they have so many questions: Are you a widow? Do we have to move? Are you going to get married again? Who will walk me down the aisle when I get married? Can daddy see me? Is Santa Clause real? Why did daddy die? Will you die? Can I sleep with you again tonight? Who will walk me down the aisle? Can I open a Christmas present? Why were you pushing on daddy's chest with your hands? Why did he look like that? Who will walk me down the aisle? Can I have a candy cane?

Resilient:
a : capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture

b : tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

Hmmmm. Am I resilient enough? Will I recover and adjust easily to this misfortune/change in my life? Time moves forward. Life goes on. I tell myself I need to buck up and get my act straight and figure out a way to provide for my kids and find a home and fix the car and take them to school and cook them dinner and do the laundry and get into a new routine so I won't notice the HUGE HOLE that is in my life. Carry on! March forward! Get it done! It's only been 3 and a half weeks since he died, but be resilient!

...A couple of sweet families I know from several years ago recently had a wedding joining 2 beautiful young people in marriage. They posted pictures from the wedding for everyone to view and oh was it gorgeous! I still wish we could have been there. But as I poured over the photos, trying to virtually experience the event, seeing the joy on the faces of the family members, imagining their laughter, seeing the side-whispers and noting the sun shining on the beautiful churchyard... I wept.

Because all that was echoing in my head was her little voice: 'Who will walk me down the aisle?' 

You just don't understand. One of Donnie's greatest joys was to dream about  and imagine Emmi's wedding with her. They would sit and cuddle and talk about that special day and she would giggle as they would discuss their first dance together at her wedding. And she would gaze up at him with complete adoration when he would tell her how he would walk her down the aisle and give her away to her husband. She built up this magical moment in her mind and now she has to re-imagine it in a completely different way. 

I know it is what it is. He's gone. We will adjust. We will move forward. We will learn to be resilient. But we just lost him. He's gone. And now... we have to learn to be resilient.

Our Favorite Time of Day

This was our favorite time of the day. There was just something so sweet about the babies being tucked in bed, fast asleep & having alone time with each other. 

We would watch our favorite shows together, laugh at the Desperate Housewives of New Jersey or shudder at Criminal Minds. We would discuss the days events, our plans for tomorrow, or our dreams for our future. 

We would share the cute things the kids did or said that day, or shake our heads at what the world was coming to... We would sigh, and we would snack and then we would head to bed. 

And he would tell me as he did so often, "This is my absolute favorite time of the day. I look forward all day to us coming to lie down so we can cuddle and fall asleep together."

Now, it's my most dreaded time of day. I wander around the house, trying to find something to busy myself with. I keep myself going until I am utterly exhausted and have to lie down. 

And then I face his empty pillow where he took his last breath and I weep myself to sleep.

And I wake an hour later only to have to fall asleep again, alone. 

Without. 

Empty. 

Half of me is gone.

Missing Mom.

I still have dreams about her. 

Just this week when I woke one morning for a moment it was so real that I really believed she was still with me. I almost called her. It's crazy how dreams mess with reality sometimes. 

I miss her. I miss her grace, I miss her voice. I just miss... her. 

I find myself thinking back over ordinary moments with her that have become extroadinary memories. Simplicities like going shopping with her, holding her hand from as far back as I can remember to even as an adult when we walked through the malls together, driving through the country to look at houses and trees just so we could eat a chocolate covered Dairy Queen ice cream cone and talk about nothing and everything. Hugging her every night and telling her I loved her.

Telling her she was going to be a grandmother.

I just... miss her. And my babies are totally missing out on her. 

...Happy Mother's Day Mom! I love you!! 

It Happened On a Saturday Morning.

Someone recently reminded me of something pretty amazing. Something unforgettable. Something breath-taking. Something that I can't believe I'd forgotten about, momentarily. And something that really needs to be recorded here for eternity.

I am speaking of my daughter's morning hair! I don't know quite how she does it. How do these miraculous monstrosities happen during her slumber?

Nearly every Saturday when she stumbles out of bed, her hair is so artfully arranged and I find myself dumbfounded. And sometimes, I just have to capture it on camera. 

I think I may have leverage for future blackmailing! What do you think?

Making It Count.

I've been seeking. Searching. Looking. Questioning. Waiting. And listening. And I have to tell you, I'm hesitantly excited. 

The job market around here has been absolutely a bust for me. Application after application has been ignored by my local employers. My resume has been overlooked in favor of the less experienced, lesser paid, younger candidates.

And after toying with the idea of going back to school, I started looking online the last few days and was overwhelmed with all the choices out there. This school or that school? This degree or that degree? This minor or that minor? Ahhhhhhh! I've always had a hard time making those kind of decisions on my own.

That's why it's a good thing to listen after God's heart and to the desires He's placed in mine for many, many years. And guess what. I heard him. I found FREE online writing classes that I can take from varying reputable universities and professionals. I know, it may not be a degree that I bought and paid for, but education is education and free and available is what I need right now especially since... my time IS free and I AM available and extra income... is NOT.

So I'm going to be creating my own 'school' hours and honing my God-given skills. We'll see where it takes me. All I know is that when God says to trust Him and God says to move forward, I just can't ignore Him because that would make for one very miserable me.

I'm including this youtube video below that a friend of mine posted on facebook today. Of course they WOULD make the still frame the one scene with 2 scantily clad girls, but seriously, I love the inspiring and motivating quotes in it. And I wonder, what do you need to do today to 'Make it count'? To utilize one of the quotes in this video: "Above all, try something!" ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

Ages

Ages have passed since my last words here. 

Milestones? 

There are a few.  It's been one year since Donnie started dialysis and in some ways he's better, and in others, he's just not. Kellan has started taking meds for ADD. Emmi is outgrowing her clothes almost as quickly as I buy them. And I cannot find a job to fit around my varying schedules of the kids' school hours, Donnie's dialysis hours and our church hours. It seems my inflexibility is quite understandably not very attractive to any potential employer in this region.

Plans? 

I'm thinking of going back to school and finishing out my degree. I'd probably have to go online to work around our schedule and obligations and I'm not quite sure what I would major in... maybe journalism? I'm also toying with the idea of seriously blogging to the point that perhaps it could generate an income, or attempting to freelance write, but so far I've felt a little too inferior and unknowledgeable to take any of these ideas on. But it's time to stomp out fear and move forward, somehow, some way.

Issues? 

Still dealing with Emmi's eczema and although we've found some things that really work well for her, the last few months I've been trying to step back and give her a little more responsibility in learning how to take care of herself since she will likely have to deal with this for possibly her lifetime. The result has not been so great, her skin is bordering out of control and my attempts to reassert taking care of her body in the proper way have been quite laughable. Just picture me pinning her down to put meds and lotions on her or me chasing her down the hall with vaseline all over my hands instead of on her dry, ashy, patchy, inflamed skin. Sigh... We saw her doctor this week and they added another 3 medications to the 3 she's already taking (not including her lotions) and I just don't know how I feel about that. I detest loading my child on meds that she may not really need when there is something natural that can work for her. But when her skin becomes this bad, I feel desperate enough to give in to meds for a temporary fix. Even though it is only temporary.

Kellan has been doing great on his ADD meds as far as school goes but it puts him in an ill temper (ai yai yai!) and he doesn't eat enough and sometimes has problems falling asleep. Which of course they want to give him a med to make him eat more and a med to help him fall asleep.  I don't know if I will use them though. I'm one who doesn't really believe in using meds unless they're absolutely necessary.

Don't get me wrong, I am not against modern medicine. But have you ever listened to those drug commercials on TV? They make a solution to-whatever-your-ailment-is sound so amazingly wonderful and then list all the side effects in a rushed/hushed voice. Side effects scare me, my friends. I believe my poor sweet mommy was a victim of said side effects. One medicine caused cholesterol build up. Cholesterol build up caused heart attacks. Meds for heart issues caused diabetes. More meds caused pulmonary fibrosis. Pulmonary fibrosis caused death. So me no likey meds if there is another healthier alternative available.

And my poor sweet hubby. I can't even tell you how many meds he's on these days. So many, for so, so many reasons... it's not just the kidney failure he deals with or the diabetes, or the hypothyroidism. There's restless legs and high blood pressure and sinus and tummy and-and-and-and-and... should I keep going? Let's leave a little mystery, shall we?

So there we are and here I go. Time to wake up my sleeping husband so I can put him to bed. :/  Goodnight my non-readers, figments of my imagination! Tomorrow another dialysis day awaits and my mind is already gearing up for it: What shall I read tomorrow? What deals will Kroger have on their meat? Will Walgreens have the kids meds ready? Will Donnie's clinic ever call in his thyroid medicine refill? Can I pass the kitchen table without staring at the Easter candy? Stay tuned for the intriguing answers!