What To Do When Someone You Care About Loses Someone They Love

Right after their loved one has passed away, it can be difficult for your grieving friend/family member to think straight enough to do normal daily tasks like feeding their children or picking up toilet paper. Here's where you might be able to lend a hand without being in the way and show them that you care and you're there for them. Being there for support during difficult decisions and showing your respects at the service and etc is important, but so are the tangible things. You'll never know how much it will be appreciated. 

FOOD: Everybody needs it. And there are a lot of ways you can provide it.

• Do offer to make food, bring food, pick up food and drop it off, bring restaurant gift cards, etc. It helps to have things on hand and eases the stress of making a decision of what to make for dinner or lunch.
• It's okay to bring frozen food with directions written on them for cooking or reheating as long as you've freshly made it, or it's store bought (not your leftovers frozen from 2 months ago). Your friend will appreciate the frozen meal on a future night that they have no motivation to cook, even if it's 2 weeks or 2 months down the road. 
• Be sure to see if anyone in the family has special food allergies you might need to work around if you decide you want to cook something for them.
• If there are children, things like sandwich fixings, frozen chicken nuggets, lunchables, juice boxes and individual snack packs are great. This way, if the child is old enough, they can tend to themselves when needed or the adult can easily put together a quick lunch or snack for the child without much thinking involved.
• Water bottles, sodas, coffee, tea and ice. Ask what their drink preferences so you can be sure to give them what they'll enjoy and need.
• Ask them for a list of things they need at home and offer to run to the store for them. 
• Bring over mints, chewing gum, cough drops, life savers and wallet sized Germ-X. Those will be nice to have on hand or place in purses for visitations or the funeral service or when guests drop over to check on them in the days following.
• If they are flooded with food from others, offer paper goods for meals: paper towels, paper plates, plastic cups, plastic ware and trash bags will come in so handy and be appreciated.

PRACTICAL GIVING: There are things everyone needs and can't do without and it would help to not have to run out of them with the extra company one can usually expect in a grieving household. One man at our grief recovery center mentioned it's been 6 months since his wife passed away and they are just now about to run out of toilet paper. We all laughed about it, but agreed that was an extremely thoughtful gift and it was one less thing he had to think about while tending to his children's needs.

• Toilet paper, wet wipes, diapers, paper towels, laundry detergent, dish soap, etc.
• Wal-mart or grocery store gift cards; you might be surprised how badly they are needed, even if your friend has never mentioned or acted like they are struggling, they could be. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. With some of the blessings we received after Donnie passed away, one of the first things I did after the Memorial service was go shopping for things we had needed for at least 6 months but had made do without. I filled up a cart with pajamas, underwear, socks, shoes and jeans for the kids because it had been so long since I'd been able to get them what they needed.
• Give cash whenever you feel impressed to do so. Slip it in their purse, in their hand, in a book, in a card. Give it to someone else to give to them anonymously. Pay for their meal when you see them out at a restaurant. Even if they don't 'need' it, it feels good to be taken care of and to be treated. And it's a gift you can really never go wrong with.
• Offer to fill up their vehicle with gas or give them a gas gift card. It's just one less thing for them to have to worry about. 
• Offer to take their vehicle to get washed or have their car serviced or oil changed. 
• Help with their laundry; washing, drying or folding.
• Offer to babysit their children or drive them to and from school if needed.
• See if there are any little tasks you can help with around their house. Change light bulbs that have gone out, tighten door knobs that may be loose, sweep the porch, walk the dog, etc. 

SENTIMENTAL GIVING: Thoughtful sentimental gifts are always a kind gesture.

• Share copies of photos, videos, etc that you may have of your friend's loved one. They may not have known these things even existed. Even if it takes them months to be able to look through or view them, they will appreciate the treasure you've given them.
• If you too have been through a period of grieving and something specific helped you like a book or a grief recovery group, don't be pushy, but share that information with them in a card for them to review or give them a copy of the book.
• Share special memories of your friend's loved one in writing by sending a card, an email, etc. Though they may take some time to respond to you or perhaps even never respond, your words are sure to be treasured. I'm so thankful for all the kind words, cards, emails and texts that I received, especially the ones with stories, memories, or impressions Donnie made on people. They are riches that I can share with the kids as they grow older to learn more about their father and the man that he was, even in his childhood.
• Send a care package through the old fashioned post office. A lady that Donnie knew from the bayou sent a small box full of movies for the kids and myself, penny toys for the kids and some snacks. That thoughtful gesture provided hours of entertainment for us and immediate amusement for my kids. It was such a thoughtful gift.

FOLLOW UP: Although your world may keep spinning and you can easily move on after paying your respects, your friend/family member may feel like the world has ended, even weeks or months following their loved ones death. Here are some ideas of how you can follow up with them to show you still care about them as they continue to grieve. It could be 3 weeks later, 2 months later or even beyond a year. Everyone grieves differently and your attention and follow up with them will make a difference.

• A simple text or phone call every now and then goes a long way. Even if your friend doesn't respond right away or even at all, please don't be offended. Know that they saw your text or listened to your voice mail and your thoughtfulness to reach out to them matters.
• Offer to take your friend to lunch, dinner or a movie. Even if they don't feel like getting out, sometimes they will be glad they did. But don't be pushy. If they say no, leave it open ended and ask them to contact you when they are ready or when it's convenient for them.
• Stop in at their house once in a while to check on them especially if you are concerned about how they are handling things, but be sure to warn them first by calling or texting and letting them know you are coming by. While you're there, look around without being too nosy and see if things are okay or if they need anything. Your visit doesn't have to be a long one unless you can tell they need you to stay for a bit. Feel them out and pay attention to their body language and their communication with you. If it's not a good time, it's not a good time, but make sure they really are okay before you leave.
• When you see them in your social circles, it's good to put your hand on their shoulder in passing or stop and chat with them briefly, especially if they are looking lost or lonely. It might be awkward and weird, but the fact that you're making an effort will matter. Little things mean a lot. Hugs don't hurt either. If you can tell they are uncomfortable and about to flood with tears, don't push it. Give them a hug, let them know you care and then walk away. Sometimes they need space to gain their composure and yet the fact that you reached out to them that day can mean the world. 
• It's okay to laugh and be happy around them, try to include them and try to make them laugh. Even if they do it begrudgingly, it's still good for them. It's also okay to cry with them or let them cry on your shoulder if they need to. Your shirt will dry and the snot will come out in the wash. 
• Do things on their terms. See what they want to do. Where they want to go. Where they don't want to go. Certain activities or places may remind them too much of their loved one and they may not be able to 'go there' just yet.
• If you have a flexible schedule or you've been through what they're going through, make it clear that you are available to them whenever and however and wherever. And when they call you or text you, follow through on your word and respond to them immediately. Even if they need to talk for an hour about absolutely nothing. Even if they need you to come over at 3:00 in the morning. And even if all they want is some chocolate. Give them chocolate.