T'was the Nightmare Before Christmas.

There are only 4 more days left before our Christmas production. 

I. Am. Scared. 

So much goes into these things.  So many man hours of practicing, rehearsing, preparing and obsessing.  And usually the last rehearsals are the most frightening and leave all those involved feeling inadequate and cramming like a college student at the last minute for their finals. 

Costumes to be sewn.  Dance steps to learn.  Outfits to shop for.  Another Christmas tree to decorate.  Stage to be set.  Programs to be made.  Lighting & media to plan out.  Breathe.  Pant-pant!  Inhale.  Exhale!

But somehow, almost magically, it all seems to fall into place on the big day. 

Nerves will be raw, throats may be scratchy, costumes might be rustling, children will be giddy.  But it will be exciting, it will be beautiful, it will be poignant and then it will be over all too soon.

I. Can't. Wait!

Snapshots of an Amazing Life

Originally published April 27, 2008:

It's amazing how my brother impacted so many with his life in only 35 years. He had a dynamic personality: he was one of those people that drew you in the moment you met him. He stood out in a room full of people with a charisma that was bigger than life. He had a hunger to reach out to people who would then immediately become his friend. He made a difference in their lives by making them feel valued and important with even just a few simple words. He was so many things. He was opinionated, he was hilarious, he was passionate, he was musical. He had absolutely no pretenses... he was Gerald.

Who was Gerald Meggison to you? Was there a poignant moment you remember or a life altering conversation? Was there a side-aching laugh until you cried memory that you will never forget? Was there a quiet time that he was just there for you? Was there a time that he taught you something?

I would like to gather your comments about Gerald for the next few days and make a memory book for our immediate family, Gerald's wife Amy and Gerald's children. Please take those flashes of his life that are captured in your mind and translate them into words so we can create a written legacy for his children. Gerald has a beautiful 4 year old daughter… Alana and a 2 year old budding musical genius… Ian. These babies need to grow up knowing who their daddy was, not just to them, but to all of you.

I devote this blog with much love to my only little brother… Gerald James Meggison.

Comments:

Joe Escamilla: I was Gerald's boss during his short time at Ford Credit. The first day I met Gerald he and I talk at length about music, religion, family, life, and death. Every morning I would ask him how he was and he would reply without fail, "Every day above ground is a good one". Gerald was the most good natured of people that I have ever had the pleasure to meet. I could listen for hours when he spoke of his wife and children. The man loved without pride. He touched everyone who knew him. Everyone that knew him loved him. Gerald had a passion and zest for life that so many of us tend to take for granted. Watching him play guitar at the Across the Street Bar was amazing. His love of music was tremendous. I remember him telling me that he wanted to be an author as well. I learned much from Gerald. This life is not about what you accomplish, it's about who you touch along the way. He touched many I am sure. My thoughts and prayers go to him and his family. Take care buddy.

Brian Dotson:

* I remember when Maria and I went to visit him at the hospital in Salisbury right after he'd had some work done on his pacemaker... We went into his room and there were all these monitors and he kept goofing off and intentionally breathing really hard which set off alarms and kept the exasperated nurses running in and out of the room - he'd just grin and say "And while you're in here, get me a pizza - double pepperoni!"

* Maria mangled his name once when they first met and accidentally thought he said his name was "gerbil" - the nickname stuck! Man -heavan just got a wonderful new resident in Gerbil!

* He loved God, loved to make you laugh and sometimes even squirm a little! I remember when he met a Pastor I was serving with a few years later - the conversation went something like this:

P - So Gerald, did you grow up in church?

G - Yeah my family was very involved when I was a kid...

P - Really - what kind of church did you go to?(A mischievious grin forms on Gerald's face and an odd twinkle sets in his eyes - he sees an opening...)

G - Um... ahh.. the American Standard Church...(at this point the Pastor smiles, nods knowingly... then pauses realizing he's never heard of this denomination - which is probably understandable since Gerald just made it up: American Standard is a toilet and shower maker!)

P - I'm not familiar with that movement - what do they believe?

G - Well they do have some different beliefs - you know like instead of Jesus dying on a cross, they say he slipped in the shower and rather than wearing crosses they prefer soap on a rope...

The stunned Pastor then looked across the room and said "Yes Dear, I'll be right there" and excused himself (BTW - his wife was not in the room!)

* Then there was the time when Gerald and I climbed into a car after spending and hour in prayer together - we were determined to follow the Holy Spirit's leading in the everyday little things, sure in our conviction that God had all sorts of little Divine Appointments that we miss each day because we simply are afraid to listen and act on those little nudges from the Spirit. So we're in my old beat up VW, driving all over town stopping at intersections and praying "God, right, left or straight?" It was hilarious - we'd sit there until we had a sense of where to go and these cars would be honking at us to hurry up! We finally ended up at a bakery of all places. We went inside looked around - felt bad about not really being there for their business so we each picked up a little minidonut pack and a drink. As we paid and walked out to the car, Gerald said "I dunno - I think we missed something..." I looked at him and said "Well, I found the little chocolate donuts on isle 3..." He rolled his eyes and said "No - I mean a God thing not a GUT thing!" We went back in and stood in line to get back up to the cashier. Gerald looks the lady in the eye and says "I'm not here to buy something, just to tell you that God says you are at the right place, at the right time." The girl started crying - Gerald turns and says "Oh great..." It turned out she'd just came here from Germany and promptly been dumped by her new boyfriend, felt all alone, homesick , and was now questioning if she should have come to the US at all. We got to pray with her and left the bakery feeling more full and satisfied than if we'd eaten everything in the store!I hadn't spoken with him in the last 5 years or so. Life had gone on, he'd moved out of state, got married started a family, you know, all the usual stuff as life moves on. Today I got the email that Gerbil had been called home. He's seeing firsthand the One who always carried and guided him down here. I envy him a little in that - but there's a lot of us down here who are probably smiling a bit as they remember the indelible mark he made, and noting how the world's a little different today. Thanks Gerbil - it was a great ride - see you there - save me some little chocolate donuts!

Nicole Benton: I remember your brother, he and I went to school together. It was a shock and extremely sad to hear that he passed away. You were exactly right about him in this blog. From the moment I met him he and I had a special friendship and he did that to I think everyone he ever met. He did make you feel special and even though he and I had very different opinions on things, I so valued what he thought and said. He was sooo funny too. He could make you laugh till you spewed. I'll never forget a time in I think it was English class that he and I wrote a 2 page list of every possible slang word for throwing up that we could come up with. I don't even know why I remember that. He was so special and I know he will be missed terribly! I know he was an awesome musician, friend, brother, father, husband, and a just all around good guy.

You Want More?!?

Made this for the Ladies meeting tonight & got more requests for the recipe so here you are girls! Gee I'm feeling so popular lately! Who knew?!?

Dump Cake
1 can crushed pineapple
1 can cherry pie filling
1 box of yellow Duncan Hines cake mix
1 cup of chopped pecans
1 & 1/2 sticks of margarine, melted

Dump pineapple in the bottom of a 13×19 in dish. Next dump on cherry pie filling. Then dump on cake mix. Then dump on chopped nuts. Next, pour melted butter over top of whole mixture. Bake at 350 for appx 1 hour. Yum!!!

You Asked For It! You Got It!

I've had numerous requests for these 2 recipes since Thanksgiving, so I'm posting them here for those that have asked for them! Hope you enjoy and add them to your Christmas menu this year!

We were introduced to this first recipe by our Pastors in Arkansas at Victory Church. Being so far from our family for the 5 years we served there, we often spent our holidays with The Coffman's and they graciously adopted us into their family during that time! And one of the many things we gleaned from them during those years was this delicious recipe that Ms. Jeanne, our Pastor's wife, would serve every Thanksgiving and Christmas! This is definitely the way to get your kids to eat their veggies! And EVERY time I make it for family, friends or a church function I am inundated by requests for the recipe! It's so easy and DELICIOUS! I usually prepare it the night before the big meal so I can just pop it in the oven when it's almost time for dinner.

Ms. Jeanne's Veggie Casserole
2 lb frozen mixed veggies (green bean, carrot, corn mix)
8 oz sour cream
1 C mayonaise
2 C shredded cheddar cheese
1 roll Ritz crackers
1/2 C butter

Cook veggies, drain water, salt & pepper to taste. Mix sour cream & mayonaise. Combine with veggies & cheese. Crush crackers & mix with melted butter. Put cracker mixture on top. Cook at 350 for 20 min if you are making it fresh, if you have had it in the fridge overnight, cook for 45 to 1 hr. (Tip: I usually double the crackers/butter mix so there is a nice thick topping to spread across the top.)

The next recipe comes from a good friend of mine who brought us some meals while Donnie was recovering from one of his surgeries and she also had baked us a loaf of fresh banana bread. It was so delicious I had to have her recipe! Every year I ask her for it again because I never put it in my recipe box, but now it's official on it's very own index card! I like to give them as gifts but we always keep several loaves for home too. Donnie hates bananas, but he LOVES this banana bread!

Lisa's Banana Bread
1 C sugar
2 eggs
2 bananas
dash salt
1/2 C butter
1 tsp baking soda
1 T milk
2 C flour
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 C pecans optional

Mash the bananas until it has the consistency of baby food. Mix your dry ingredients and then mix in the wet ingredients. Add pecans as desired. Bake at 350 for 1 hr. (Tip: If giving as gifts, this recipe will make 3 mini loafs.)

Harvest Festivals.

Carnival games. Twinkling lights. Hay rides.


Hot dogs with chili. Nachos. Candy. Tummy aches.


Sticky hands & faces. Stinky feet. Grumpiness.


More candy. Brushing of teeth.


Tucking in bed. Prayers.


Daylight savings time. Ibuprofen for mommy. ... What a wonderful day!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A Perfect Night

A cold, wet, dark, rainy evening.


Candlelight.


Red Box.


My sweet family.


Candy corn.


And my favorite, fuzzy blanket.


Wishing you a cozy evening!

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Happy Birthday Little Big Man!

Today is my son Kellan's Seventh Birthday.

My first born child.

He is such a sweetheart.

Mellow as can be, Mr. Easygoing.

Thoughtful.

Silly.

Happy.

Accomplished.

Goofy.

Perfect.

Happy Birthday Big Boy!

I love you!

Like Clockwork.

Fall is here! And it arrived right on time this year which is absurdly abnormal. So I'm making a list of my seasonal to do's to start on this weekend since it caught me a little off guard by coming on time! If you're interested in some money savers or new ideas for this time of year, read my to do list below:

1. Go through the kids fall/winter clothing to see if anything still fits and then off to the consignment shop to refurbish their wardrobe.
~ This is something I've been doing for years! If you are looking for a way to save money on your children's ever changing wardrobe, check out your local consignment stores or second hand kids clothing places like Once Upon A Child. Most of these stores will take your gently used, non-stained, outgrown or out of season clothing and give you a store credit towards any clothing or other items in their store, or if you prefer they will give you cash. They'll even take gently used toys or strollers that your child has outgrown. It's a Win-Win!

2. Fall 'Spring' Cleaning.
~ Okay, my husband would tell you that cleaning is a weak point for me. There's just something about it that sets my ADD on hypermode and I can't seem to gather my senses to do it all at once. But just like with Spring cleaning, in the Fall it's nice to have everything perfectly presentable for the upcoming holidays, so things like baseboards, corners, ceilings, curtains and so on could use a little extra attention to perk up the house. Now if I could just get it all done quickly. Here's where I need the maid to come in and help me out! (I wish!)

3. Spice things up in the house.

~ Yes, it's time to find my fall colored/scented candles, change the flowers, pull out the Autumn wreath and scarecrows. A few years ago I even started making my own potpouri! I took the orange peels from children's fruit snacks, some cinnamon sticks left over from Christmas the year before, a couple of cloves, tap water, a large sauce pot and Voila! ... Instant homemade potpourri boiling on the back burner of my stove while I finish up the laundry. I also like to start some baking when it starts cooling off outside, like my infamous Amish cookies so I can enjoy them with a cup of hot tea or cocoa. Ahhhh, delightful!

Well, that's the short list anyway! If only it was as pretty here as in NC where I grew up or AR where I was blessed to live a few years ago. I miss all the rich reds, oranges and golds of the trees. Hope you all enjoy the arriving fall as much as I am!

Staples.

What are your staples? In my house a few would be mayonaise, ketchup, bread, ham, brown rice, and Kraft Asian Toasted Sesame salad dressing (so yummy on a salad and trust me, cook your chicken in it and you will LOVE it forever). Well, those are the basics for us anyway! What about you? What is it you can't live without?

I've been thinking. Yes, I know that sounds a little dangerous, but really, I've been thinking about a few of the things that I love most in this world. And although chocolate, books and my favorite blanket may be difficult for me to imagine living without, I can gulp and shiver and acknowledge that I can manage, somehow, without those things. They are more of a luxury than a necessity. They are indulgences that give me warm fuzzies, but they aren't essential for my daily living. So what is it that really matters? What is truly valuable? What is it that I cannot live without?
A few years ago, I was going through some personal trials. I was missing my mom after her passing and learning the responsibilities of being an adult with my own family. I was a role model as a worship leader but felt like a failure in some personal choices I had made. I was thankful for God's grace but I was worried about my husband and my children. I wished I could be more like my mom and yet wise enough to learn from her mistakes. I wanted more for my life, more for my family, more for my children's future than I was capable of giving them myself. I was overwhelmed and felt inadequate and incomplete.
With all of this turmoil swirling in my mind, I was on the platform at church leading worship with my husband and we began singing "Lord, I Give You My Heart". As my lips formed the words of the line "All that I adore is in You", I felt lightheaded with the truth of what I was singing. All my fears, anxieties, failures and worries literally melted away as I envisioned my concerns about my family ~ my sweet husband and my precious babies ~ in God's hands. In HIS hands.
I've realized that there are many things that I CAN live without in my life. I don't have to have the fanciest car or home, I don't have to have the latest style of fashion on my back or on my feet. My essentials, my staples, my necessities are my family, my dear friends and my Savior. So I encourage you today to take stock, do some inventory and determine those things that are life to you.

Enjoy a moment of worship, meditation or internal searching as you listen to this video below and give all that you adore to God's hands.  My heart hopes your heart hopes today.

Read

Lord, I Give You My Heart Lyrics

here.

It's My Favorite

Summer has ended and school has started. The past month was full of summer's last hurrahs: slip-n-slides, bouncy houses, water parks, $1.00 movies and popsicles. And now the days are filled with pencils, erasers, notebooks, crayons & Elmer's glue. Something about school supplies just makes me downright giddy. I guess it's the nerd in me, but I have always loved buying journal-sized notebooks and finding the perfect pen, and oh, the intoxicating scent of magic markers! Don't worry, I'm not an abuser, it's just one of those scents that I 'sparingly' love!
If you know me well, then you know my favorite season is arriving. Oh the yummy fall! Amish cookies are just waiting to be made (a family tradition my mom started when I was a teen, oh so long ago) and enjoyed with a cup of hot tea. My extra blankets have been freshly laundered and are ready to be pulled up to my chin and inhaled just like on those detergent commercials! I'm just about to break into the box of autumn deco in its rich kaleidoscope of fall colors to make my house match my mood. And I can't wait to hear Kellan try to pronounce 'cornucopia' again!
I've even started counting the days to Christmas and driving some people crazy with my anticipation for the Holidays. It's funny, just about this same time last year the Christmas fever hit me, but then Emmi started it that time (click here to read that blog). We have been in the process for a few weeks now of going through Holiday music to start preparing our singers and musicians for Christmas. Donnie & I were up until 3:00 one morning last week robustly singing Christmas carols. Thank God we didn't wake the kids when we were singing Silent Night, because it wasn't very silent!
I can't wait to get started on some crafty Christmas projects that I've got planned. Surprises await a chosen few this year! Don't worry, it won't be an ill fitting sweater or a macrame plant holder. Closer to Christmas I'll post pictures of the fun stuff I'm making. I'd do it now but I don't want to spoil the fun for the people I'm forcing my handiwork on! And yes, I'll make all the family favorite goodies including the Amish cookies too. Fudge with walnuts, Great Grandmother's Icebox Fruitcake, Donnie's Pralines and maybe some Divinity this year too. Yum, yum and YUM!
I've been closing my eyes at night imagining how we will decorate our trees this year. Yes, I said 'trees'. We have 4 trees to be exact. Ummm, can you tell we love the holidays? Between mine, Donnie's, all the Christmas decorations we've inherited from my mom, his Maw-Maw and what we've acquired together in our 8 years of marriage my head spins to think of the plethera of Christmas boxes we have collected. Santa Clauses and snow globes, ornaments and lights, trees and bows, wreaths and nativity scenes. It goes on and on and on (and on and on and on).
Last week I went to pick up Kellan from school in the stifling heat and lost my Christmas high for just a moment as I touched the burning hot steering wheel and screeched out a higher note than I thought was possible for me. But that didn't last long. I just can't control my thoughts from drifting back to Christmas! I even started searching for year-round online Christmas stations while imagining candy canes doing a chorus line dance in my head. That's close enough to the sugar-plums from 'The Night Before Christmas' isn't it?
But I guess I'll have to endure the remaining 106 days, 9 hours and 42 minutes until Christmas arrives. In the meantime I'll be gathering supplies for my Christmas crafts, practicing for our Christmas program, and making my house smell like cinnamon and pumpkins. Oh I love this time of year!!!

Whodunit?!

Another eventful week has passed in our household and for your quizzical pleasure lets play a little game called Whodunit?

Monday: Another mouse was offed! Woohooo!

Tuesday: Barbie & Ken went unashamedly nudist on us.

Wednesday: Somebody snuck into supply cabinets and poured Silver & Gold glitter all over the church nursery floor.

Thursday: Dorothy doll got a haircut in the bathroom sink.

Friday: Someone pee-peed in the bathroom wastebasket, just to see what it was like.

Well, I think that just about sums it up! Have a blessed weekend!

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Emelia?

My blond haired, blue-eyed daughter is sweetly and innocently snoring beside me curled up in my favorite fuzzy blanket. Just an hour and a half ago she was beating up her big brother with his Star Wars sword. I marvel at this child.
I can’t get enough of her. She just amazes me. She is only 4 years old and she is already so many things I always wanted to be. Bold, witty, aggressive, funny, endearing, tenderhearted and nurturing. Of course she is also bossy, mean, obstinate, hard headed, obsessive compulsive, insatiably hungry, wildly mischievous and terribly rebellious. And I love her so absolutely passionately that I cannot imagine life without having to clean up her magic marker masterpieces from the walls or reminding her for the 26,347th time that ladies don’t sit like that when they are wearing dresses.

One day not too many months ago we were picking out some new black patent leather dress shoes to match a new dress. She tried on the shoes, pointed her toes, did a test twirl and they were as good as hers. Then a sales lady came by and asked if she would like a sticker and proceeded to hand her a Cars sticker. A CARS STICKER. My daughter, instead of being thankful for what she was given began throwing a royal fit because it wasn’t Hannah Montana. So as I dragged my crying, screaming, tantrum-throwing daughter from the store after spending nearly $20 on a new pair of shoes, I looked up into the heavens (really, I did) and asked God, Why? Why did you give this child to me?
When I was an opinionated single young woman (before I became an overwhelmed white-hair-growing mother) I looked on in judgment at the feeble minded parents who had children like my daughter. I snidely glowered sideways at them as they dealt with them in the checkout at the grocery store, their child throwing a fit over candy or a toy they wanted while they desperately tried to calm them down. I would shake my head at their wimpy attempts of reigning in their little monster and self-righteously think to myself ‘What that spoiled brat needs is a good spanking!’ or ‘That woman needs to learn how to discipline that child!’
And of course it doesn’t help that my first child was so luxuriously low maintenance. Kellan has always been the sweetest, quietest, happy-go-lucky mellow fellow. When he was about 1 year old, we were run off the highway by another vehicle veering into our lane which spun us around two and a half times into the median acquiring a healthy souvenir of grass and dirt along the ride. And the entire time, Kellan was a happy camper just chugging away at his bottle of juice in the fashion of Maggie from the Simpsons like nothing had even happened. Even today, he can quietly amuse himself for hours, ah sweet peace!
Enter Emelia Rose into the world and from her first cry, I am not kidding you, my husband and I looked at each other in fear and slight horror. We knew she was different, even alien if you will from her sweet mild mannered big brother. From her daredevil attempts of jumping out of my arms, the stroller and the shopping cart during her infancy to pushing, scratching, hitting & biting her brother as soon as she could slither across the floor, to picking the perfect moments to show her bull-headed stubborn streak and sassy mouth in such places as the library or the sweet poignant quiet moment in a child’s play where she chose to pass noxious gas, loudly; we have been amazed, astounded and yes even amused at times by our tornado on feet.
There are days she is so emotional, we have to send her to her room to have a good cry. After 10 minutes of raining tears and earth shaking bellows I have checked on her only to be told between her heart breaking body racking sobs, ‘I’M …gasp… NOT …snort-sniff… DONE …sob… YET!’ and 45 minutes later she prancingly exits her room, sunshine on her face, eyes twinkling and in sing song voice announces with wonder ‘Mommy, I’m not crying anymore!’.
She is the most unpredictable child I have ever met. One of my favorite stories about her is when we were driving to the store and my husband was discussing his exasperation with her on what had been an especially trying day. He told me in deep frustration ‘Honey, I even spanked the daylights out of her, and she STILL wouldn’t listen!’ And just as soon as he finished the sentence, Emmi’s raspy lisping voice piped up from the back seat as she reprimandingly shouted ‘No you didn’t Daddy! I thtill got the daylighth in me!’ And of course, we laughed, and laughed and laughed.
We have had to be creative in our measures of discipline with her, finding out what works, and what very obviously doesn’t work. And yes, I have noticed the snooty single women watching me at the grocery checkout as my daughter has a perfectly orchestrated meltdown that showcases me as having poor parenting skills (in their opinion). But I know better now. Just like any storm, the dramatic display of my strong-willed child will pass and I’ve learned to pick my battles, well… most of the time.
I really wouldn’t trade my fireball daughter for anything because like I said, I marvel at this child. She is only 4 years old and she is already so many things I always wanted to be. Bold, witty, aggressive, funny, endearing, tenderhearted and nurturing. And I love her so absolutely passionately that I cannot imagine life without her. I can’t get enough of her. She just amazes me.

The Loss of a Friend

Originally posted 02/23/08, but edited to reflect present day:

Since joining various social online networks, I've had the best time finding people that probably thought I had forgotten them, or that more likely had forgotten me. I've found relatives I haven't seen in several years, friends I haven't seen in more than a decade and schoolmates that honestly, I can't remember their last name, but their faces do look vaguely familiar to me. Just to know that I can click on a friend's page and see what is happening in their lives or how their children are growing makes me feel like I'm 'virtually' involved in their lives again. There are just some people that I will never forget and it's nice to stay in touch even if it's only 'virtually'. So I've been having a lot of fun searching for my peeps and sending out friend requests.

The weird part is I never considered some people wouldn't want to accept me as one of their 'friends'. Okay, maybe one or two I thought might not accept me because I wasn't the coolest kid back in high school and didn't run with the in crowd, but I wasn't exactly a reject either. Or at least I'm egocentric enough to think I wasn't. But to be rejected by someone I've known for years and have laughed with, that my kids have played with their kid(s), that I have gone to church with; well, to be honest it's a bit of shocker.

I'm stepping back to do some self-evaluation and I'm faced with some confusion. It's true, much has changed in my life over the last several years. When I married I somehow dropped the ball on some important friendships and realized later after my blissful newlywed months that I neglected some extremely special people. Particularly, a bridesmaid whose friendship was vital for me as a single. I still miss laughing with that friend and so often think about her. She's one of the few people I wasn't able to find (until recently ~ love you Silver!).

After college, I was the best letter writer and used so much postage on the massive mailouts to the friends I'd made there that I knew the postman on a first name basis, literally. I used to be so great at keeping in touch with friends and somehow once I married and had children my priorities completely shifted. Especially with the recurring physical battles my husband has faced in the last few years (www.nnff.com - look for his survivor story under Donnie Thibodaux), my focus has been primarily on my immediate family. But I'm trying to change the trend I created and although of course my husband and kiddos are still my priority, I'm working hard on attempting to be less selfish, more giving and being there as much as I possibly can for my friends even if only through emails or comments and occasional phone calls for the time being.

But the rejection or the act of not accepting me as a friend has really thrown me. I remember back in junior high, how excruciatingly painful it was that I wasn't 'popular'. I was not the IT girl, I did not have the latest greatest 80's wardrobe, (although I did have gorgeous hair thanks to my mom the greatest hairstylist I've ever known) and I was very much the shrinking violet - wallflower. Eventually there was a group of friends that I became a part of during those preteen years and somehow I suddenly belonged. We even called ourselves 'The Group'. There were 6 or 7 of us and we did everything together from hanging out in the halls, to sleepovers, to weekend mall excursions until one day the leader of our group decided I didn't quite fit anymore.

She was the most influential girl I knew at the time and when she passed me a note between classes I was thrilled. Until I opened it and read her kindly worded note that she didn't think we should hang out anymore because our group had become too crowded, but she would still say hi to me in the halls. I didn't know what I had done, or what I hadn't done. That memory still haunts me and even today I would genuinely love to know what triggered that note of non-acceptance and social ostracization. It's no surprise that years later as a young single my heart's desire was to serve as a junior high youth teacher at church. I well remembered what I had endured and wanted to make some kind of difference for kids in that potentially tormenting age bracket. Being rejected as a teenager was nearly the end of the world for me, or at least in my highly hormonal state I thought it was.

The non-acceptance of this particular friend request has my head spinning. I'm sure it's not meant to personally offend or hurt me and I'm not asking for a pity acceptance by writing this blog. And please understand too my words are not written in a ranting or raving tone. I only hope to sincerely convey my heart, imperfections and all. In the ministry world there are many challenges to deal with. After serving a ministry for a period of time, your heart becomes knit together and entwined with the people you work for, the people you work with and the people of the church. In many ways it's a marriage of sorts and parting is always awkward, no matter how smooth of a transition you attempt to make it. I haven't been through a divorce, but I can imagine the feelings of conflicting loyalties must be much the same.

A few years ago, we spent 5 years on staff as Music Pastors at a church in Arkansas. We fell in love with the people of the church from our first conversation with the Pastors. We wholeheartedly took on the vision of the church and did our very best to put 100% of ourselves into everything we put our hands to. When God spoke to us that our season there was over, we were hesitant to leave because of the relationships we had formed and the people we loved because to us, they had become our family. But when God speaks we've learned it is wise to listen and to obey, so despite our ties there we resigned. We left without a place to go and without a definite plan or road ahead of us except that God said to go and so we went.

Although leaving a ministry can be an uncomfortable transition on both parts: the ministry left and the minister that left, there is something that hopefully can be understood throughout the transition process. As Christians, we call each other the family of God, brothers and sisters in Christ. We, who hold the truth of God's word as life itself, don't take this bond lightly because that is God's literal word. He calls us His children, which makes us brothers and sisters. I guess that's what has me somewhat confused. If I believe that my friend believes as I do (and I do) then why wouldn't they accept me as a friend? If my friend is my sister or brother in Christ, then we are intrinsically, in-separately family. We forever will be connected. We will worship together, again.

And yet, they have chosen to reject me as a friend. I am not sure if there is something that I may have done that I don't even know that I did to hurt or offend this friend. But if I did, how will I know if I'm not told? How can you fix a wrong if you don't know what it is that you did wrong? I would rather know and ask your forgiveness and move forward to work with you in the kingdom whether we are in the same church, denomination, state or not, than to stand in confusion wondering what I did to be rejected as a friend when at the same time we are still, family. Maybe I'm making more out of this than it is; maybe I'm super analytical and hypersensitive. Maybe I'm being a silly emotional 36 year old little girl. Maybe. But still even to this day, a loss of a friend, just as when I was a preteen, is a devastating thing.

Retro-Blogging

I love to purge. It feels so good to get rid of things I don't use anymore. I use the rule of 'If it hasn't been worn or used in 6 months to 1 year, it's time to get rid of it'. The victims of my purging become designated to piles labeled in my mind as "Trash", "Goodwill", "Ebay" and yes, I admit it, "ReGifting"!

My closet has been savagely edited and now I've moved on to reading through my old rants and blogs and having some good laughs at my own expense. I am closing down my old blog on myspace and recycling a few of the posts that made me snort out loud, sniffle or remind me of a lesson I need to relearn. I'm knee deep reading and weeding through the past to determine what to keep and what to throw.

So to my invisible audience who I think I am talking to when most likely I am just entertaining and amusing myself: Please endure the retro-blogging over the next few days or weeks or however long it takes me to complete this purging process. Be sure to read the 'Hotdogs & Popsicle Sticks' post... oh, so, funny.

Hot Dogs & Popsicle Sticks

Originally blogged 10/05/07:

I have to say, when I thought about having children, some things just never crossed my mind... if you are easily disgusted by doting parents, then please read no further. And if gross things gross you out, really, you need to stop reading RIGHT NOW.

The longer I am a mother, the more I wonder what I was like as a child... where's mom when I need her?!? Here's the latest that my beautiful, lovely children have done:

My daughter Emmi has been potty training herself. Yes, I said, potty training HERSELF. We've been working on it quite a bit, but just mainly going through the motions without any results. A couple of weeks ago, she was 'playing potty' and called me to tell me she had gone poo-poo. So I went to check and expectantly looked in the potty for nothing, when to my surprise she really had done exactly as she said! We commenced to cleaning and as she stood up, she looked proudly in the potty, gasped loudly and said, "Oh momma! It looks like a beeeea-uuuu-tiful hot dog!!!" ~ I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life!

Not to leave out my son , Kellan just had his 5th birthday this past Monday and of course we took him to the Doctor for his 5th year check up. As the Doctor was examining him to make sure he was developing properly in the private area, he said "Oh, what are these popsicle sticks doing here?" My husband and I looked at each other in confusion and I whispered to him, 'Oh, he must be trying to be silly to make Kellan comfortable'. We laughed quietly, relaxed and the exam continued without further mention of popsicle sticks. After the exam we headed out to eat for dinner. Halfway through our meal, I glanced towards my son's plate to the left of me and I noticed about 8 popsicle sticks on the table... and then I put 2 and 2 together... my son had actually put popsicle sticks in his underwear!

Allright, so there it is.

Doggie Paddling

Originally blogged 04/05/06:

Remember when you were first starting to learn to swim? One of the first things you learned to do was to doggie paddle... you submerged yourself nearly completely, with just your head and shoulders barely above the water and you cupped your hands palm down at the water alternately, so that you stayed afloat and moved ever so slowly and slightly from point A to point B. It took a long time to get where you were going, and sometimes it didn't seem like you were moving at all, and it took a lot of effort to keep yourself from sinking down into the water again. You were breathless, you were tired, and you wondered if you'd ever get to where you wanted to go.

Last week my new boss asked me how things were going. I told her I was "doggie paddling", just trying to stay afloat and keep my head above water. Since then, I started thinking how much the concept of doggie paddling can relate to so many areas in life. I don't know about you, but there are some areas I have been doggie paddling in for a while now, desperately trying to get to my destination, feeling like I'm not moving or making any progress, barely able to keep my head above water, breathless, tired and wondering if I'll ever make it.

It's so easy to let life's distractions, worries and concerns overwhelm you to the point that you're struggling to keep yourself from going under. It's easy to make mistakes and it feels nearly impossible to fix them. Sometimes it can feel as if you are nearly drowning. You are stuck in the middle of the water, all alone, desperately trying to keep from sinking. And sometimes you can get so tired, so exhausted from all your effort to stay afloat, that you can't keep your head above the water, you can't quite catch your breath... it's as if you've reached the point of no return and there is no other way to go but down.

This is where I am so glad, so thankful, so blessed... because I have a God, a personal God, who is my best friend, my biggest encourager, my source of joy, my confidence and my strength. Every mistake that I make, He has forgiveness for. His strength makes up for my every weakness. Without Him I am nothing, and with Him I can do anything, be anything. When I've done all that I can do, I have used all my resources, I have doggie paddled until I can't doggie paddle anymore... He is there to rescue me. When I fail, He is there to lift me up and keep me from drowning. He breathes new life into me, and gives me strength to begin again. That's the kind of God that I have... the kind that will give everything He has to give me everything I need, whether I deserve it, or not.

This weekend is Easter weekend, a weekend that symbolizes the moment that God gave his only son to bear the weight of all our burdens, all our pains, all our grief’s and sorrows, all our failures. And as well it symbolizes Christ rising from the dead. His resurrection brings new life, renewal, healing, hope, forgiveness, peace and freedom.

And this is my prayer. I pray that this will be a weekend of renewal for you... where you are weak, you can find strength in Him; where you are wounded, you can find healing in Him; where you have failed, you can find forgiveness in Him. And if you are doggie paddling right now, I pray you will surrender to Him whatever it is you are holding onto and trying to make happen on your own. No matter what it is you've done, no matter what obstacle you're facing, He is there just waiting to lift you up and keep you from drowning. That's the kind of God He is...

Mother's Day, Then and Now

Below is a blog I wrote on Mother's Day 2006. My son was 3 1/2 years old at the time. My mom told me once that I would never know what true love was until I had a child of my own. I didn't understand what she meant then. But I learned.

May 14, 2006

Today my little boy Kellan made a card for me in Jr. Children's Church. It is red and shaped like a teapot and inside it has a little pocket with a poem printed on it that is holding a little tea bag. It's obvious that his teacher made it with the exception of one little crayon scribble from Kellan. When he gave it to me, he was so excited. He said, "Here Mommy! I have a paper for you! I made it for you mommy!" I looked at it and started crying. I have never been so proud. All he did was make a little scribble with a green crayon. Maybe he pressed the glue on the little pocket with the printed poem so it would stick to the card. And maybe he placed the mint tea bag in the pocket, but his little hands made it, just for me.

For 2 weeks now, I have really been missing my mom. I guess it's been building up for Mother's Day, and just about everything has been making me cry, remembering her. But what makes it even more special, is looking at her through new eyes as a mom of 2 little children. How many times did I make little cards for her that made her day? How many times did she stare at me for hours on end thinking how beautiful I was and how much she loved me? How many times did she want to squeeze me until I couldn't breathe because she couldn't get me close enough to her?

I remember going through her things after she passed and finding some of the cards I had made for her. I remember her staring at me, taking in my every word and movement that I made. I remember her always reaching out to embrace me at every chance that she had; and now I find myself doing the same to my own children. My love for them consumes me. I can't get enough of them, I can't love them enough, kiss them enough or hold them enough. I can't quit staring at them and I can't quit thinking about them.

It's overwhelming to think that my mother felt the same way about me. I'm so thankful that God allowed me to become a mother, because now I know how much I was loved, even when I didn't realize it.

Present Day

(May 10, 2009)

My mom has been gone for more than 6 years now. I still find myself wishing I could call her for recipes when I crave her split pea soup or her beef stew. There are moments when I'm exasperated or worried or amused by my children and I would love to ask her if I was like 'that' or how she handled 'this'. And there are nights that I dream about her so vividly that it's as if she is still with me. And although within the dream I know it's not reality, I still pursue the mirage and talk with her, laugh with her or cry with her because for those brief moments I can smell her favorite perfume, hear the timbre of her voice and touch her soft skin again.

I still grieve that my children are unable to spend time with her as they grow up. She would get such a kick out of my fireball Emmi and she would be so in awe of Kellan's gentle spirit. She would have taken them for weekends and adventures and she would have been their biggest fan. They would have gained so much from her love and wisdom and the strength that emanated from her.

Simply, I miss her. And I'm remembering her today with soft smiles, a few tears and an extremely grateful heart that I was blessed with such an amazing woman as my mother was. Thank you mom, for everything and I cannot wait to run into your arms again some day, exactly the way my babies run into my own today. Happy Mother's Day!

Simple Sunday.

Have you ever wanted or longed for one of those simple, uncluttered, uncomplicated days? A day without having to rush here and there to pick up more toothpaste or toilet paper? A day where you could just sit back and relax and enjoy the things that are, even in the midst of some things that aren’t? Today is a day like that. There are still things that need to be done and that I am going to do, but for right now I am selfishly settling in for a few moments of soaking in a simple Sunday.
I’m relaxing on my comfy bed, enjoying the extra layer of a quilt I bought in my college days. My husband is napping beside me and I can hear the voices of my 6 year old and 4 year old happily playing Barbies & Transformers in another room down the hall. The fan is whirring and my tummy is full and I am wearing my favorite comfy slippers that my sweetheart bought me for Christmas. Sounds perfect doesn’t it?
Of course I’m not going to mention the dirty dishes that are calling me from the kitchen, or the trash that needs throwing or the last few pieces of laundry that need to be neatly tucked into their drawers. No, I’m not going to think about my long to-do list or my shoes that I forgot to put in my closet last night. Right now, I’m just going to enjoy these simple pleasures and the perfect imperfections of today. I’m going to twirl my toes in a clockwise circle because its comforting in this moment… ahhhhh. A simple Sunday. What could be better?