A Love Story

Today is my birthday. I am 42. Oh sweet Lord Jesus, I am 42. Where has the time gone? Today, I want to share with you a love story. One I've shared only with close friends and family. Emelia loves to hear the details of when Donnie and I fell in love. I usually give her little snippets and bits and pieces, but today I'll reveal the whole shaboodle so that one day she and Kellan can read it here and have it preserved in their minds the way it is in mine.

I knew from a young age that I wouldn't get married too early on. I always thought that I'd wait at least until I was 26, because that's how old my mom was when she got married. Smart reasoning, I know. But truly, I knew I would not be an early bride. I dated over the years and I fell in love twice over the course of my college days and cared deeply about the beau's in my past but I eventually found singleness to stay at my door. 

I decided that it would be best if I didn't date anyone for a while because I had an uncanny knack of hurting people I cared about. And I wanted to work on me and focus on my relationship with God. Doesn't that sound holy? I decided Jesus was my husband and if I never married, then I could be happy with that. Of course my hormones raged and I had crushes but I was determined, so I sort of trained myself to not get distracted when an interesting male came into view. I decided to look at them as friends and keep my eyes on the Lord. This way I wouldn't hurt anyone or be hurt by anyone. And it worked, for a couple of years.

Then one Sunday, Donnie came to try out for the position of Music Pastor at my church. I had been away on vacation to either NC or LA and missed meeting him at the first rehearsal the Wednesday before. And that Sunday, I just happened to be running late for some reason, so I didn't get to meet him before church. Donnie would always break in and tell this part: I was running so late that he and the entire choir were already on stage ready to start when I bolted on the platform to take my place just seconds before the beginning of service. He HATED it when people were late! Great first impression, right? (haha!)

The worship service started and I was literally BLOWN AWAY. Our church had been interviewing other potential worship leaders for several weeks. The ministers who had previously tried out had been (and this was in my young 28 year old opinion) either too cocky and showy and had a Mr. Know-it-all/I'm the Man attitude or were too scared, timid, nervous, shaky and lackluster-ly BORING. 

So when he placed his fingers on the keyboard and opened his mouth to sing I was FLOORED. I was like What the WHAT???? This guy is AMAZING!!! He wasn't there to praise himself and lift himself up and he wasn't there shaking in his boots in front of two to three hundred people he'd never sang in front of before. He was there to WORSHIP. And let me tell you HE DID. He gave GOD, not man, his FULL attention. He sang and he praised and he worshiped and he exhorted the people and we entered God's presence that morning in such an anointed way led by him that I was just... SO. TURNED. ON. Ummm, whoops. Sorry!

Hey, let me be real with you. I am HUMAN. And I was in my twenties. And the one MAJOR aphrodisiac that has always been INSPIRING to me was when I would see a man that genuinely, ardently gave his all to worship the Lord. There's no faking that. And he just knocked me over. And it didn't hurt that he was SO cute. And this is the other part of the story that he would always break in on to make me tell. Oh this is SO embarrassing. And well the truth is, that besides being swept away by the presence of God that he brought into the house with his praise, I just could not keep my eyes off of his hiney. There, I said it.

I know. I'm so ashamed. But I couldn't help it. When I realized what I was doing I immediately slammed my eyes shut tight and lifted my head to the ceiling so I wouldn't be tempted to admire him in that way again. I was begging God to please help me and please forgive me in my mind and don't you know God had to be rolling in laughter at me, knowing what was in store for us. It's so funny and still brings a smile to my face, a giggle to my throat and a sigh of satisfaction to my soul. He so made us for each other.

Well, I met him 'officially' following that service and then I booked it out of there because I was so embarrassed at my reaction to him. I mean, I had been able to reign in my emotion towards men for a couple years now and couldn't figure out for the life of me, what in the world was going on??? I figured I may never see him again anyway so I may as well place myself at a distance and besides, I was probably going to be single for life!

Yeah, well, he came back. They called him back for another weekend because someone else had canceled their tryout. He stayed at my house in my room and I stayed at my Aunt and Uncle's home. I left him a note to welcome him and told him to make himself at home. When I returned to my house after he left I found he'd left a note for me, thanking me and saying he hoped he could return the favor someday. I still have the note he wrote. 

Shortly after that, he was hired, moved from LA and became our Worship Pastor. And fairly immediately, we began to 'hang out'. We had SO MUCH FUN together. He made me smile, we made each other laugh and we could talk for hours on end and never get bored with one another. I could be stupid and goofy with him and I made him sing my favorite song, the B-52's 'LOVE SHACK', in full voice in the car with me the first time we hung out and he joined right in. We became best friends almost instantly. It was wonderful.

We went to a Neighborhood Estate Sale together at 6:00 in the morning. We went to the TX State Fair together and had a blast. We went out to eat at Chili's, TGI Friday's, IHOP and the Evergreen Chinese Buffet. We went cosmic bowling and to see movies with a group of youth. We played laser tag and went to Putt-Putt. We went to Gerald's bible study at Starbucks. We shopped at all the thrift stores and picked out 70's clothes for Halloween and youth parties. We went furniture shopping and I helped him pick out his couch for his apartment. We went to Bennigan's and stayed out til 2:00 in the morning sitting in the restaurant talking and laughing and when they played Tom Petty's "Free Falling", we started singing along and they cranked it up. Soon other people in the restaurant started singing along until the entire restaurant was singing Free Falling at the top of their lungs! It was fantastic. 

"We're just friends, we hang out!" That's what I kept telling myself (and everybody else), and I always made sure to pay my own way. But he treated me special. He was thoughtful. He was respectful. He went out of his way to see me and call me and hang out with me. He liked me and he thought I was cool and funny. And I really, REALLY liked him, but I couldn't tell if he really, REALLY liked me. Until one night he called me to make sure I got home safely and called me 'dear' on the phone. Another day he told me I had really amazing eyes. Then one Sunday at lunch he told me in passing at the buffet that I looked really nice that day. And I started to realize that maybe he really did like me-like me.

The first time we held hands was right after Thanksgiving. We were watching that horrible B-rated movie 'Deep Blue Sea' where the sharks become really smart because of some scientific experiment. He was so nervous he couldn't stop speed-talking throughout the whole movie and I was so nervous I could hardly breathe. He was all 'Whoa, did you see that-I can't believe that-That's just crazy-Oh no, I wonder what will happen next-That shark is creepy-That guy better move outta the way-Oh wow, that dude's gonna get it!' non-stop through the whole movie! And I was trying to answer his questions but could barely get my words out because I was so breathless at just holding his hand! It was hilarious. We always laughed about how ridiculous we were every time we saw the movie playing on TV over the years, but could never make ourselves watch the movie again, because it was just that bad.

And then he told me he loved me, within a week! I thought he was CRAZY and I was terrified because surely things couldn't be happening this quickly! Soooo, I wouldn't say it back. I just said, thank you? HAHA! I made him wait about 2 more weeks before I decided that yes, I really could trust myself and my feelings and that I truly was in love with him. So I finally told him 'I love you too' one night in the car when he was dropping me off at home and I'm not kidding you, he gasped out loud because he was so happy and then he kissed me. It was so sweet. 

We had both wanted a long courtship and engagement, but God had other ideas. We were engaged by Christmas and started planning our wedding for June 23rd, 2001. Our wedding was beautiful. After we were pronounced man and wife, we had a fun moment where we surprised everyone by having our friend Renae play the beginning of the traditional wedding recessional and then had the sound man interrupt her playing by starting the song Everlasting Love by Natalie Cole. Renae and our sound man were the only other two people who knew we were exiting to that song. All our bridesmaids and groomsmen did a double take and stared at Renae and the sound man and then Donnie and I danced/walked back up the aisle to the song. We have it on video where everyone in the bridal party and congregation followed us out with impromptu dancing to the song. It was so much fun! 

We stopped briefly in Donnie's office at the church so everyone could line up outside the doors to blow bubbles and also so we could have a private moment behind closed doors. We embraced and kissed and then I asked him to take off his wedding band and read it. I'd had it engraved with the date and a promise. It read "No Matter What". And I meant it.

One more thing to share. About seven or eight months later, we decided to start trying to have a baby. I was dead set against it for the longest time. I wanted to wait at least 2 years before having kids. I was selfish and wanted to keep him all to myself. But he kept talking about how badly he wanted children and he didn't want to be 55 when they graduated high school. But I still did not want to concede. Then one day in January, practically overnight, God changed my heart. I suddenly, overwhelmingly, wanted to have a child. So I told him. I stopped taking birth control and within 2 weeks we were expecting! It was crazy. But we were so excited.

Kellan was born October 1, 2002. By this time we had been living and working at a church in Arkansas. My mom traveled to be there for his birth and spent a week with us. She went home and came back again a few weeks later for his dedication and spent several more days with us and Kellan. She bathed him and slathered lotion on him, held him, fed him, rocked him and spoiled him as much as she possibly could. Then she went back home. The next time I saw her she was in the hospital and she later passed away on January 8, 2003. Sometime after my mom's death, Donnie told me the reason he had wanted to have a baby so badly and had been pressing me so much about it was that God had told him we needed to have a grandbaby for Esther before she passed away. That broke me, but I'm so grateful he listened and that God changed my heart. She loved that little boy to pieces.  

Of course our love story continued. We laughed a lot together for the 12 and 1/2 years of our marriage. We loved one another and grew together and learned a lot of life lessons. We had some trying times like in any marriage and sometimes he was a stubborn man with a strong opinion. But I always secretly prided myself on a shared character trait my Aunt Carol (my dad's sister) mentioned about my mom when she and dad were together. She told my mom she was like an iron fist in a velvet glove, meaning she had a way with my dad. And I had a way with Donnie. But I wouldn't change even the sassy-ness that occasionally came out of his mouth or on facebook, because that's part of what made him who he was; a vibrant, strong, opinionated Cajun who could make a mean pot of gumbo, who loved Saints football and got riled by politics and didn't mind putting himself out there for an occasional 'friendly' debate with other people. 

I loved him, no matter what. I loved worshiping with him, I loved spending my life with him and I loved taking care of him. I'm so thankful God gave me these years with him and the gift of my two children to hold on to. We lived a rich, blessed life together and I couldn't ask for more. 

Tomorrow's Blog: The Aftermath, Part 5: The Agony of Anxiety - A brutally honest reveal of my struggle with Anxiety following Donnie's death.