The Aftermath, Part 3: My Grieving Children

The next few weeks of February found us settling into our new apartment. During our Christmas week in DFW with family, I had found a little 2 bed, 1 bath apartment in the same complex my mom used to live in and decided to move there. I unpacked boxes and found places for everything, started decorating and by the end of February had everything pretty much where I wanted it.

The kids settled into their new school, which is a great school by the way and they made new friends, fell in love with their new teachers and were doing well adjusting and maintaining their good grades. The first few weeks in DFW were somewhat exciting for them because of all the newness. But by the end of February after we fell into a daily routine and everything was just about done and set up in the apartment, it hit us all about the same time that this was our new life. Their daddy was gone and wouldn't be joining us here. It was just us and we were on our own.

Emmi started having a hard time at night again. Going to bed was difficult because that's when everything seems to come into a sharper focus for her. She always cuddled with her daddy before bed and gave him goodnight hugs and   kisses. Sometimes he would even go lay down with her in her bed to help her  fall asleep on restless nights. That comfort was gone now and her hero, her love, her protector and her cuddle-master was missing. She began drawing, journaling and writing songs and stories about Donnie. She tends to naturally channel her grief in healthy ways.

Kellan, who would rarely talk about Donnie unless Emmi or I started a conversation about him, began speaking out in some unexpected ways about his daddy. He brought up questions or comments about his death at very inappropriate times. He sang a silly yet disturbing song at the dinner table one evening about the night Donnie died. He told me when I kissed him goodnight  and tucked him in that he didn't want me to die. It took me a a few seconds to  gather myself and comfort him in those moments.

I am very open with them at all times and encourage them to talk as much as they want to about their daddy and share any memories, ask any questions and say anything they want to say. I've assured them that it's okay to cry when they need to and anytime they feel like doing so. I've held them in their tears and they've held me during some of mine and then we've discussed how it's good to feel your feelings and not keep them inside. 

We laugh together about funny moments we had with Donnie. One of Emmi's favorites to recount is one night when we were out to dinner after church. We  had eaten at IHOP and were about to leave, when Donnie saw an untouched sausage link on Emmi's plate. Emmi LOVES meat, just like Donnie did. It is rare she leaves any morsel of meat on her plate, but this particular time she did because she had dropped the sausage on the floor when Donnie had gone to the restroom with Kellan. So when he saw it, he grabbed it for himself in a teasing way from Emmi's plate. Emmi and I said 'Wait! NO! Don't!' ... but he had already placed the sausage in his mouth in a funny, possessive way and chewed it vindictively while staring at Emmi with an evil grin on his face! Then we told him what happened and we laughed and laughed and laughed. We all laughed and giggled the whole way home; it was so, so funny. 

We talk about the night of his death and I answer the same questions over and over for them. We discuss our sadness at losing him and our love for him and how we can't wait to one day see him again in Heaven, where we believe we will be reunited. We watch the funny videos he made on his phone, we listen to his voice singing and worshiping, we look at pictures and sometimes we just hold  each other because we need to.  

And we've started going to a wonderful grief recovery center for kids (and the adults who bring them) called The Warm Place. It's the same place Amy took Alana and Ian for 2 years after Gerald passed away. Kellan, who still finds it difficult to share his feelings about missing his daddy at times, has really taken to the atmosphere they have there. He will tell me several times a week he wishes it was time to go back to The Warm Place (we meet every other week on Wednesdays), so it's encouraging to me that he is able to talk and share there in a safe place with other kids who have been through the same thing.

Our emotions have evolved and processed somewhat and it's easier now to talk in some ways but grieving is such a process and for every person, it is remarkably different. Emmi is open and ready to share or ask for help if she needs it. Kellan is guarded and limited in what he chooses to say and only reaches out for help when he is absolutely overwhelmed or afraid. And I have had my own ways and difficulties of dealing with my grief which I'll share later, but the important thing is that we are making progress, little by little, which actually adds up to a lot.

Tomorrow's Blog: The Aftermath, Part 4: Crazy Little Thing Called Grief - An honest portrayal of my grief as it unfolds.