The same has been true in my experience of losing Donnie and grieving for him. Because he was so well loved by so many people, we had an overwhelming show of support in so many ways. But before I lost him, even though I had already lost my mother and my brother Gerald, I still did not know exactly what to do or say for others who may be grieving. So today I thought I would share a few things with you to help in those moments when you may not know what to say or not say to someone who has lost a loved one.
WHAT NOT TO SAY: This one is touchy. There are certain things you definitely should not say, but there are also some things you could say that may or may not bother someone. There's a lot of other blogs out there that mention a lot of other things, but this is my blog, so this is my opinion.
- They're in a better place. - This will not provide comfort for everybody. Everyone believes differently so if someone may not believe in a heaven for their loved one, this would not be a comforting statement to them. My personal opinion is that yes, there is a heaven. However, this would not be an immediate comforting statement to me either. On one hand I may believe that they are in a better place, but on the other hand they are no longer with me, so I really don't want to hear that in this moment.
- Children are resilient. - These words were spoken to me multiple times by people that I love and that love me. They were spoken in a well-meaning way. But truthfully, these words annoyed me. They got under my skin and they put a bitter taste in my mouth. My children, in a matter of moments, became fatherless. And although children may be resilient, these are my children who had just suffered a horrible loss and it was just one of the last things I wanted to hear. (Click here to read my blog about this.)
- How are you holding up? - Or the later version that comes in the weeks and months to follow: How ARE you? - Can I be honest with you? I hate this question. I have hated it for years. Mostly because I did not want to answer with a lie. Throughout Donnie's years of varying illnesses and the things we dealt with day to day made it just an impossible question to answer honestly. And now, it's always a loaded question. I always think, "Do you REALLY want to know??" It just puts the receiver in an awkward spot to have to answer.
- You're holding up so well! You're so strong/brave! - Every time someone has said this to me I have laughed inside. I have thought to myself, 'No I'm not, I'm a basket case!'. It didn't offend me that they said this, it just made me feel awkward, because only I and a select few knew what a nut I really was and how difficult just living daily life was without my husband. It was just a laughable statement to me.
- You're so young! You'll find someone else! - Really??? The last thing I want to think about is finding someone to replace the love of my life or someone to replace the amazing father my children had. I don't care if I am somewhat young, I didn't plan to have to look for another mate. I married for life, my lifetime, I didn't expect to have to be without my husband at this age. Start all over again? That's terrifying!
WHAT TO SAY: Sometimes it's difficult to know what to say to your friend/loved one or even more so what they want to hear or what they need to hear. It's okay if you stumble over your words, just at least try. But if you are in a setting like the funeral home for visitation or the service where other people are pressing in to get their turn with them, don't monopolize their time. Keep it simple, they're already overwhelmed. If you want a deeper conversation with them, follow up with them in the days after when they will have more time and can pay more attention to you and your words or send a card with your words penned inside.
- I love you. - It's simple, straight forward, to the point, clear in its meaning and comforting too. You can't go wrong with that.
- Let me know if there's anything I can do. - This is nice, but more specific versions are better because they show you really mean it: What can I do? What do you need? How can I help? - This shows you're more than willing to help with any immediate need and it is clear that you want them to give you an actual answer.
- I don't know what to say. - Be honest. If you don't know what to say, say "I don't know what to say". It's okay. Your friend would rather hear your honesty than something forced or fake come out of your mouth. They don't know what to say either, so your honesty will be refreshing. Squeeze their hand and let them know you care and then move on until something comes to you.
- I miss ______. - In the weeks that follow, say their loved one's name out loud now and then. It's not a taboo subject. They're on their mind all the time and it feels good to know you haven't forgotten their loved one either. The fact that you miss their loved one too will make a difference.
- Say the unexpected. - Sometimes what needs to be said is something unexpected. It might not be the norm for the situation, it might not be what everyone else would say, but every situation is different in the same way that everyone grieves differently. Several months after Donnie passed away and we had moved and settled, I received a card with a blessing in it from one of Donnie's cousins. I was not expecting it at all and the blessing inside was timely, but even more so was what he wrote on a slip of paper inside the envelope. Even now, it makes me tear up just writing it. He wrote, "God will never lose your address". Those six words touched me and ministered to me in a way far beyond the blessing he sent. Those words stayed with me and have been a strength to me in times when I felt forgotten and abandoned. So if what you feel like saying doesn't necessarily match up to what would normally be said, don't worry about it. Say what you need to say because it's likely it will be what they need to hear.
Later This Week: What To Do When Someone You Care About Loses Someone They Love - Tangible ways to show you care.
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