The Aftermath, Part 2: The Move

Over the next few weeks as I prepared for Christmas, I came to a decision that we needed to move. Although we loved our church family and they loved us, it was too painful to stay there without Donnie. We still went to church weekly on Sunday mornings but it was extremely difficult, especially for Emmi. Our morning worship service always included our youth and children and when worship ended they would release the youth and kids to go to their classes. Emmi was used to standing in the congregation every service, worshiping with her daddy as her worship leader. He was always there on the keyboard, singing and worshiping. And now he was not.

We would enter just after worship started to avoid awkward moments with people before service. I would stand and try to worship, but Emmi couldn't bear to look at the platform. She would turn to me and bury her head into my body, place her arms around me and weep, which in turn would cause me to weep. Then Kellan would join us as well sometimes silently crying, sometimes just looking sad. So I would sit and hold them through the worship service. It was strange, sad and weird. 

The kids didn't want to move away, especially Kellan. He didn't want to leave his friends at school or church. And our Pastor's family was like family to us. It was difficult for all of us to imagine not being near them. But I couldn't stay in that house, it felt so empty without Donnie. And because we lived 45 minutes from our Pastors, we only saw them on the weekends briefly at church and sometimes for lunch afterwards (after Donnie's death I could only bring myself to attend one service a week instead of our normal 3 services). All week long I would face an empty house while the kids were at school and when they were home, it was still strange because we as a family were always together with Donnie. We went everywhere together, did everything together and were never without one another, ever. So even though my Pastors were like family, I still felt alone because our lives were in different cities, nearly an hour apart except for a brief time once a week.

I decided to move to DFW, TX. I had family there. I had friends from old workplaces there. I had church support there. I knew the area having lived there before and it just felt like the place we needed to be. So after Christmas when I began packing up the Christmas deco, I also began packing up our home. I purged A LOT of things. I threw away tons. I gave away tons. I put tons aside for a massive yard sale. I packed nearly my entire household by myself over the course of the next 3 weeks. It kept me busy which helped a lot since any moment of stillness was torture for me. By the end of January, and with a lot of help from our church members, music team and from our Pastors and their extended family, we got it done. I had everything packed by the last Thursday of the month, had a major yard sale on Friday, loaded up a truck on Saturday and moved on Sunday. 

When the house was empty after loading the truck on Saturday, I walked through one more time by myself to make sure nothing had been overlooked and to say goodbye to the home we had lived in for nearly 5 years. That was the moment I began to lose the control and resolve I had been living on the last few weeks. I crumbled. Life here was over. We were leaving for good. And it felt like I was saying goodbye to Donnie all over again.

When I had to say goodbye to my Pastors, my heart broke some more. I grieved over saying goodbye to them, to losing them as my Pastors, to leaving them as my friends, as my family. They were so good to us. They never complained about Donnie's illnesses over the years we were with them. They never shunned us or made us feel guilty when he was incapable of making a service due to being sick for one reason or another. They never held his health against him or made him feel like less of a person because of the inconveniences his health caused. They always prayed for us and over us and encouraged us and lifted us up. And they treated us like royalty. They were Jesus in flesh to us. Uncondemning, loving, unconditional, kind, generous, protective, sacrificing. (Thank you Nathan and Cyndee Fleetwood.)

It was difficult to leave and to say goodbye not just to the friends and members at Victory Life Church where we had served for 5 years, but also to the life I had known with Donnie for 13 years. To leave our ministry behind, relationships behind, history behind. My sis-n-law Amy (my brother Gerald's widow) and her then fiance/now husband Darryl drove up and helped me by driving the truck, towing my car and letting me ride worry free from Silsbee to DFW. I was exhausted and full of mixed emotions, relieved and yet heartbroken. I left part of myself there. I lost part of myself there. I gave part of myself there. I suppose in a way I can never fully say goodbye.

Tomorrow's Blog: What NOT to Do If You Work For a Funeral Home - An amusing detail of some rather inappropriate situations I encountered when dealing with the Funeral Home for Donnie's Memorial Service.