Pushing Through

I don't know why some days are harder than others. Or some weekends. Or some weeks. I just know that when I'm in the midst of a challenging week, day or moment, it becomes overwhelming. It wears on me. 

And even while I'm telling myself I'll get through this, I'm going to be okay, or this is only temporary; I am still consumed with the hugeness of the emotion that has incapacitated me. It becomes difficult to move forward. It feels like I'm being shoved backwards. It halts my train of thought. It crushes my motivation. It disables me.

I stop and take evaluation in the moments that become frighteningly immobilizing. Am I okay? Am I going to be okay? What's wrong? What will make me feel better? What do I need? Should I call someone? Should I go somewhere? Am I fit for public today? Am I too fragile to be around people?

I pop some argentum nitricum. I make some green tea. I call my cousin, my brother, my friend. I hug my children tighter and longer. I watch a movie that shouldn't make me cry and I end up crying anyway. I reminisce and I pray and I hide.

Some days are just harder, darker, more dismal than others and require some diligent effort to push through. But I have hope for tomorrow which is a lot more than I had several months ago. 

This is only temporary. I'm going to be okay. I'll get through this.

I miss him big this weekend.